When Sex Is NOT Fun: The Conclusion

Buckle up for another long post, folks.  If it weren't for our Chicago correspondent, this blog's revival would be mostly about the "Sex is Fun" podcast, so I want this to be the last time I address Kidder, Jade, Lorax and the whole drama for a while, at least.  Which means I have lots of things to say.

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, my first haterade post on Kidder got some attention from the "Sex is Fun" crew and they've continued commenting on posts both the Boy and I have made about their podcast.  It's like I'm talking to famous people!

A new podcast plopped today, and again, basic personality differences aside (Kidder's style will probably always rub me the wrong way - he's a Virgo, after all) I was relieved to hear what sounded like actual emotional growth, honest communication, and a genuine owning of shit by both parties.  In all seriousness, this is a podcast that should be listened to by anyone who is considering non-monogamy or is engaged in it.

I'd intended super-snarky post that I never got around to making, as new podcasts kept emerging which kept changing my viewpoint.  I was initially reacting to episode #276, in which I felt Kidder enlisted his crew to take Jade to task for fucking up with regards to her open relationship.  I thought that podcast was a trainwreck.  As a listener, I felt manipulated.  It was clear that Kidder was very upset with how things were progressing in his relationship, but was addressing them passive-aggressively.  After the initial wind-up post which I had intended to lead into an analysis of all the ways episode #276 was an example of Doin' It Wrong, I found I'd been linked to by Kidder, and tracked down the source: Facebook.  Where I got to witness Kidder's descent into social-media madness which had all happened a couple of weeks earlier.

I want to make something very clear. I am not now, nor will I ever be against people speaking publicly about the good and bad parts about relationships in general and open relationships in particular.   Quite the contrary: I think people should. I wouldn't have this blog at all if I didn't think that.  One of my biggest critiques of "mainstream" poly stuff on the Internet is that it rarely talks openly about the pitfalls and problems that non-monogamous relationships will likely encounter.  My problems with Kidder's relationship difficulties were not that he was talking about it, but rather how he was talking about it.

Kidder has admitted, repeatedly, that posting about his relationship problems explicitly breaking a promise he made to his wife.  And he did it anyway, because she'd broken promises to him and he wanted to know "what it would feel like."  In the latest podcast he was even more honest, and perhaps inadvertently admitted that since she'd broken promises, he felt he had the right to make her feel what he'd felt.

This is inherently, basic relationship 101 stuff that is NOT OKAY.  He was purposefully being vindictive, because he was hurt.  And because he's Internet-famous, everyone else heard it, too. He has yet to acknowledge this was a fuck-up, and something he should be apologizing for as opposed to trying to spin as a good thing because it lead to him getting support and hearing stories.  He could have heard those stories and gotten that support without being vindictive and punishing.  He didn't hit the "post" button thinking, "I'm sure this will save my relationship!"  Likewise, he insists on calling her paramour "her boyfriend" knowing she hates it.  It's punishment, pure and simple.  And while the impulse to respond tit-for-tat, to hurt your partner when they're hurting you, are all perfectly normal and understandable, that doesn't justify it.

In the most recent episode of the podcast, Kidder acknowledged that he'd failed to use "I" statements and blamed Jade a lot in a way that put her on the defensive.  I was really gratified to hear this, even if again, this is basic relationship 101 stuff that people should really have down pat before embarking on something as daunting as opening up a relationship.  But he still failed to make the connection between being mean and acting hateful towards Jade privately - which he showed genuine remorse for (a sign you're probably not actually a narcissist, Kidder) - and exhibiting the same behavior publicly.

So, that's why I was so irritated in the first place.  While again, I agree that people sharing their intimate lives via social media can be a good thing, I still also believe that doing so in the heat of the moment (and under the influence of substances) is a bad idea.  I am no stranger to this behavior, I've had an online journal since 2000 which has always made my partners uncomfortable because I tend to write about whatever I'm going through on said journal.  The difference is, I haven't done it publicly - it's always been accessible only to people I trust.  And since it's not, I don't use it punitively.  I try to walk the fine line between speaking my truth - which is enormously helpful for me - and not violating my partners' privacy. I view it much in the same way I would going to friends in real life for support.  I haven't always been sensitive to my partners' feelings in this endeavor, but when I have fucked up, it's been through genuine error, not because I wanted to publicly shame my partner.

This doesn't mean I censor myself, but I might censor who can read what I write, for instance, as opposed to putting it out there where everyone can see.  I might, in the heat of my anger, write something, but not post it, then reread in the morning to make sure I was posting my emotional truth as opposed to angry word vomit.  Given that Kidder and Jade seem to meet people who listen to the podcast/read their Faceboks, I can only imagine the amount of anxiety and awkwardness that comes as a result of Kidder lashing out the way he did, and as much as I think the last podcast was awesome, he has yet to take any responsibility for it.  Sometimes "radical honesty" can be code for "being a dick."

Those criticisms aside, it really was a good episode.  Jade's side had been missing for most of this and I was glad to hear it and some of my suspicions about the difference in the two sides was validated.  They spelled out some basic concepts anyone in open relationships should adhere to, along with the aforementioned non-blamey "I" statements, is validating your partner's feelings.  As I mentioned before, I am wary of validating crazy feelings that are based on irrational cognitions, but there comes a point, particularly in the delicate stages of opening up a relationship where it is super-important to validate your partner even if you think their feelings are nuts.  Jade apparently failed at this hardcore.  I've found it's also a good thing if you are the insecure party to acknowledge that hey, your feelings might in fact be crazy - but can you please validate me anyway?  That way your partner doesn't feel like they did something wrong (which will put them on the defensive) but you'll still get the validation you need.  And it's just honest.  It's useless getting into a tit-for-tat argument where you're trying to justify if your feelings are "correct" or not.  If you open up saying, "Hey, these feelings may be nuts, but they exist, can we deal with that?"  you're more likely to get the response you need.

I am sincerely glad that Jade and Kidder have talked it out, that Kidder acknowledged that Jade isn't the only person who fucked up here, and that Jade genuinely seems to realize that she was kind of being an asshole.  Too bad they couldn't not bring "Sex At Dawn" into it, which reminds me I never followed through on my Christopher Ryan interview.  Oh well.  His book sucks.

This is a win for all us partnered non-monogamous types!  Some of Kidder's Facebook fans have noted that for a hater, I sure am invested in all this.  Well, of course I am - I have been listening to the podcast for years now.  I wouldn't listen if I found it totally loathsome.  (Note: How often to I listen to Polyamory Weekly now?  Oh wait, I don't.)  I may have a lot of issues with how Kidder presents himself but I am always genuinely rooting for sex-positive people who talk honestly about sex, because I think it's important.

I also hope that a lot of the hardcore fans of SiF don't see Kidder as a guru (he's just a guy, guys) and realize there are a lot of ways to do non-monogamy, and what Kidder and Jade present is just one valid way of many valid ways. As Kidder and Jade admitted, they really are just newbs to all this.  I still think of the Boy and I as newbs, too.  Frankly, I'm way more wary of people like Tacit and Joreth of PolyWeekly fame who present themselves as experts while giving terrible advice based on limited experience.  In spite of the problems I have with how Kidder handled this, he isn't presenting himself as an expert and instead is being incredibly honest about his fears and insecurities and problems, which I applaud.  Both because it's cool and because it gives me blogging fodder.

Too much tl;dr?  Here's the short version:
1) Everyone will make mistakes when negotiating new boundaries of openness.  Expect it. It's not the end of the world.
2) There's a difference between discussing the hardships you're going through publicly and lashing out at your partner publicly
3) Be thoughtful when you engage social media to talk about your relationship problems.
4) Use "I" statements, always always ALWAYS
5) You can - and should - validate your partner's feelings even if you don't agree with them.  Validation and agreement are not the same thing.
6) Don't fucking lie.
7) Don't use your partner's current issues with you to air previously-unexpressed grievances.  Tit-for-tat is a way of taking the focus off their problems with you and blaming them instead.  Don't do it.
8) Own your own shit.

HTH YALL