On being a fat girl who likes skinny men...

(x-posted from School For Scandal.)

As a teenager, my biggest crushes were Iggy Pop and David Bowie. I fantasized about willowy goth boys, the lankier the better. My longest relationships have been with tall, very thin men. (I like short thin men too, though.)

Then in my late twenties I found myself going through a phase I’ve nicknamed “fucking fat dudes with beards.” I never really had a thing for fat dudes with beards, but there’s a LOT of them in Chicago, and they’re often slutty chubby chasers, so I guess it was inevitable that I’d wind up with a few, considering a few of them seemed to have made the rounds of all the chubby hipster chicks in Chicago.

So here’s the thing. I’ve always preferred thin men. Really thin men. Muscular or lanky, I don’t care. A+ if they’re a bit androgynous, or have long hair and good fashion sense. Blame Bowie. So why was I hooking up with these hefty dudes in ragged hoodies and neckbeards? Partly because it was easy, but mostly because I had this weird sense of INTERNALIZED FAT GUILT.

I am a fat person. Even at my most athletic I wore a size 14 (I wear an 18 now.) I will probably never be thin, and I’m pretty much okay with that. But I felt like a traitor for liking skinny dudes. Why couldn’t I be more attracted to my own people? Was it some sense of INTERNALIZED SELF LOATHING that made me want to fuck ectomorphs? So I hooked up with fat dudes instead out of some weird sense of moral imperative. A friend accused me of being “altruistic with my pussy,” and I’m afraid she’s right.

Here’s the thing- have you ever heard of a hetero MAN questioning his taste if he likes thin women because society enforces the notion that thin=beauty to the point that women develop eating disorders? I haven’t. In fact, I friend dumped someone when he claimed “anorexic women were his type.” Barf. Ok, maybe once I heard a dude say “I know I probably like skinny women because society holds them up as the standard of beauty, but I can’t help liking what I like.” Well, at least he was honest, but he wasn’t exactly feeling bad about his tastes, either.

So we KNOW that men are under pressure to be seen with skinny women as a status thing (hence the many, many straight men who fuck fat women on the DL, and the many cruel jokes about drunk men hooking up with fat women, as if NOBODY sober would want to have sex with a fat woman…) But conversely, are hetero women told that we need to have a thin man on our arm? Is this desire of mine driven by society ? Are ectomorphs being held up as the pinnacle male perfection? Not so much- skinny is often painted as wimpy and unmanly. On the rare occasion that straight women are encouraged to objectify men based on appearances, it’s typically some beef wad like Fabio or the Old Spice Man. But it’s still considered distasteful that straight women pursue men on the basis of physical attraction outside of romance novels and fantasies. Newspapers report over and over that the happiest marriages are between beautiful women and plain men, because the man idolizes his mate and she basks in his attention, knowing she’s got the upper hand in an otherwise completely sexist arrangement. Straight women aren’t supposed to choose men on the basis of appearances, we should be looking for a man with a good job (and maybe personality, intelligence and a sense of humor. But mostly money.)

FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

I’m sorry dudes, but appearance do matter, and straight women should expect more. Moreover, if you’re going to put “big rack” and “long legs” on your list of girlfriend specifications, I should be allowed to state that I like big dicks and manscaping. Women should be encouraged to find their partners (regardless of gender) physically and sexually attractive instead of just looking for a thick wallet or a big brain. I’m not saying that straight women should necessarily subscribe to mainstream standards of attractiveness, but figure out what you find physically sexy in your partner and go for it. I have a thing for skinny guys, and they seem to like me back, so maybe opposites attract. I don’t think society (unless you count the glam and gothic musical movements) is responsible for my tastes, and I don’t think I should feel guilty for liking what I like, or that I should apologize for being attracted to a body type that is different from my own.

I think society enforces the idea that fat people are sexually unempowered, and that we should settle for whatever comes along, whether that’s a person who is drunk or desperate, a pity fuck, or other fatties only. God forbid I have a PREFERENCE and a choice in the matter! God forbid I be attracted to men who weigh less than me! ZOMG I MIGHT CRUSH THEM IN BED!!! (Trust me, this has NEVER happened.)

But here’s the thing about Chicago- fat people in general have a lot of sex and a lot of sexual options here, because for the most part this is a city where it’s ok to be fat AND fuck a lot, especially for people in the punk and indie subcultures. Chicago is full of (positively) slutty fat people, fat sex workers, fat burlesque dancers, and others who have embraced their sexuality in a bigger body. I spent almost ten years living in Los Angeles and Japan, two of the most fat-negative places on the planet, and it’s really nice to be in a place where fatties can get their groove on without shame. (I even met a person who had gotten stretch marks tattooed onto her stomach as a statement of fat solidarity…there ya go.)

So here’s the thing- I swear I meet more girls in Chicago (and it may just be the circles I run in) who are “chubby chasers” than not. I know a handful of extremely promiscuous fat men who have slept with half the women in town. BECAUSE THEY CAN! In Chicago, being a fat dude is not a handicap for getting laid. So there is no reason for me to exclusively have sex with fat dudes out of some sense of FIGHTING OPPRESSION WITH MY VAGINA when they are plenty in demand in my town.

I like skinny boys. I am a fat girl. I own this. I am not a bad person for liking skinny boys as a fat girl. And David Bowie has a 24/7 open-ended invitation to hang out with me ANY TIME.

*Please note that I was terribly heterosexist in this essay and used “straight” as shorthand for people who like to fuck opposite gender people. If you like to fuck your opposite gender and other genders or identify as nongendered, etc, please don’t feel marginalized, I just wasn’t sure how to express “likes to fuck opposite gender and possibly other genders” without being insanely wordy.