Is Slate's Take on Bisexuality a Useless Fiction? Yes.

Slate has been on a bit of a bisexuality kick, riding on the coat tails of a ridiculous New York Times piece.  One of the Slate pieces featured a writer acknowledging his bisexuality, vice the gay identity he's been using since he prefers to date men, but isn't physically repulsed by women.  

The real gem is Slate's insultingly titled, "Is Bisexuality A Useful Fiction?".  The question asked by the title is conveniently answered in the article's URL:  www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2014/03/21/the_bisexual_movement_makes_bisexuality_seem_like_a_useful_fiction.html.  

With that auspicious start, the writer, Mark Joseph Stern, goes on to explain that the bisexuality as an identity has problems, but ultimately it comes down to the fact that there is no bisexual culture as bisexuality is only defined by sexual interaction, unlike the gay community, that has Nathan Lane and Bravo TV.  

Stern ends the piece by flipping the script and informing us that, while sans culture and lacking identity beyond sex, it's the fault of the bisexual movement for failing to come up with a platform.  So if the "bisexual movement" had a platform, such as Free Silver and ending grain tariffs, it could win his approval and maybe get a first round draft pick for sassy spokesperson.  

The entire tone and message of the piece can be summed up with this sentence from the last graf: "If bi activists continue to define bisexuality as nothing more than a more imaginative set of erotic and romantic urges, they'll further forestall the development of a mature bi culture - giving us no more than the completely sex-oriented definition we started out with."  Biphobic, slut-shaming, and ignorant.  

Only two weeks before, Stern wrote a column criticizing an article in a Christian magazine for denying gay identity and reducing to being a matter of the sexual act.  Yes, it's ugly to reduce homosexuality to sodomy.  It's just as shitty to reduce bisexuality to weekend sodomy.

The writer is blessed to be of an age where the gay rights movement was already formed and active by the time he became aware of it.  There was a time, not so long ago, when it was politically powerless and with few achievements to call upon.  He needs to spend the time reading the histories of the movements and the people involved so that maybe he can one day see it as more than a crass marketing exercise.  The effort was put in before he got there and made its way without his help.  In the mean time, he really needs to shut the fuck up about bisexuality.

Dirty in Deutschland

So, dear readers, after three years of de facto monogamy, I can now proudly say I am an international slut of mystery.  “Sexy German” now gets a notch on my metaphorical bedpost.  (Reminder: look into bed frames that will actually work with bondage gear.)

It all started because during sex month and after, The Boy and I started communicating a lot more frequently and with a lot more honesty about our kinks and desires. It turns out that he’s been nursing a fairly strong “hotwife” fetish for a long time now.  (Not to be confused with cuckhold, which involves an element of humiliation)  This gave me the prompting I needed to re-activate my OKCupid profile and begin the hunt for at least some casual sex, although I am hoping to eventually find a friend-with-benefits because I really hate online dating.  

Within a week or two, “Fritz” messaged me.  Because the picture I use on OKC is older and not particularly representative of how I look now for privacy reasons, I suggested immediately that we exchange recent pics to make sure there was mutual attraction.  There’s absolutely no point wasting time messaging back and forth if the guy isn’t attracted to my fat ass, right?  I discovered this with one of the first guys who messaged me, a Swiss who I had long conversations with non-monogamy about, but once I sent my pictures to him, heard nothing in return.  Ouch.  But he looked like Julian Assange and I’m not that into albinos anyway.

Fritz responded that he thought I was beautiful and sexy, and the pictures he sent in return were very promising.  So we arranged first time, public meetup, with no sex on the table.  That’s my standard procedure from the past and it’s always served me well.  Unfortunately the only night he was free, I was also a bit overbooked - I had an early date with a couple of friends for drinks, and then a later meetup with a different group of friends planned as well.  That ended up working out good - the drinks with friends loosened me up and helped with the crazy pit of anxiety before meeting him, and having plans later gave me a graceful “exit”.

Good news: he looked just like he did in the pictures.  5’11, solid build, square jaw and piercing blue eyes.  He was bald, but has one of those heads that looks great without hair.  He’s 36, a bit of a sex fiend, currently single, somewhat familiar with open relationships.  He was a little concerned that I had a military man waiting at home with a shotgun, but I was able to reassure him that The Boy was just as eager as I was to have me get some.  His English was great, and he had an affable, easy-going manner and comes across as quite intelligent.  We talked at length about fantasies and boundaries, but also had fun small talk about the U.S. and Germany, cultural differences, and all of that.

He has a very busy schedule, but we were able to schedule a date at my place for the next week.  I was fine with that until a few hours beforehand, when I started to get incredibly nervous again and was deeply regretting the whole thing.  (I always go through this before any encounter!)  But bourbon helped.  When he arrived, I confessed my anxiety and he said he was nervous too, but within 20 minutes of chatting, he asked me if I could turn around so he could get a better look at my ass.  Somehow I always attract the ass men!  

I don’t want to kiss and tell, but let’s just say that he absolutely loves my body type and made me feel incredibly hot.  A lot of fun, sweaty sex happened for several hours. I was pretty impressed by his ability to just … keep...going.  He’s definitely a high libido kind of guy.  My nerves melted away thanks to his clearly stated desire for me, and I had a great time.  It was even better when The Boy came home after Fritz had left and the sex fiesta continued.

Fritz messaged me very soon after leaving telling me what a great time he had.  My only regret is he didn’t talk dirty to me in Deutsch.  We have plans to meet again later in the month, but this time The Boy is going to be involved too.  Not only do I attract ass men, but bi-curious ass men.  What is it about me?  Whatever, I’m not complaining!  I have yet to have an MMF threesome where I have chemistry and attraction to both the guys, so I’d written them off.  Thanks to Fritz, the idea is much more appealing.

In the end, it’s been a huge confidence boost for me, and while I’m not sure if Fritz will fill the role as the serious FWB I’m hoping to find due to his really busy schedule, I definitely think he’ll be a good match for me and us when the stars and our schedules all align.

Next goal: pick someone up in person.  It’s been ages since I’ve done that, but I’ve got a couple of wingladies and we’re gonna make this happen!

Poly, Weakly: (Not so weakly), or How Poly Slouched Toward Maturity

Have we reached a turning point in non-monogamy?  Has the weight of responsibility tipped the scales against the one-true-wayists who refuse to accept any limitations on their behavior?  

Cunning Minx, who has often inveighed against rules, instead favoring boundaries, and against hegemony of the couple in a relationship when others are involved, has come out against policing others' relationships.  Praise PolyJesus!

That is not a small thing.  Minx has, for better or worse, been an outsized influence on the poly community, lacking as it does for spokespeople.  When she jumped on the "no rules" bandwagon, that take went from being unconventional to being the baseline faster than you can say "divorce court".  When she ranted about couple privilege, that became "a thing", or at least a source of way too much Tumblr whining.  When Minx mashed social justice language into the poly world, it opened up a whole new arena at the oppression olympics and suddenly white, straight, cis Mid-Westerners were streaming to the Web to complain that they had it worse than anyone, anywhere, ever.

 But somewhere along the line, a shift occurred and Minx has decided that we shouldn't judge other peoples' relationship.  Well, I say shift, but truly it was a blog post wherein someone took down Minx's form of poly wherein you ever only date one person.  I wish it was one of ours, but that's doubtful.  No matter the source, she was hurt, and the judgement is off.  And that's a very good thing.  Maybe it represents a long overdue maturing moment in the community.

If Minx missteps anywhere in the episode, beyond going into a little bit too much detail about the kinks that disgust her and shouldn't be judged, it's that she repeatedly uses "poly" as an umbrella term for all flavors of non-monogamy.  She does it so much that is comes across as a fundamental misunderstanding as opposed to simply misspeaking.

"Life on the Swingset" is another podcast about non-monogamy that frequently looks at poly, even if the examination is often no deeper than Shira B. Katz talking about how well she does poly and the shininess of the emotional wreckage she leaves behind her.

This week, "Life on the Swingset", looked at the routes that non-monogamous relationships can take and how to get them started.  As an episode bonus, Shira B. Katz isn't on it to divert attention for long stretches to talk about herself.  Seriously.  Unfortunately, the podcast gets bogged down for way too long on a ridiculously granular debate about whether introducing non-monogamy to a relationship is like turning a cruise ship, climbing a mountain, or fucking an angry gorilla.  

At the halfway point, the Swingsetters managed to right the listing mountain gorilla ship that is the episode and start discussing the difficulties associated with various forms of non-monogamy.  Overall, the episode had some good discussion.

What these two podcasts had in common, besides coming out nearly back-to-back, is that they represent the sort of more mature, serious discussion about poly and non-monogamy is has been lacking for way too long.  It doesn't mean the emotional-bomb-throwing relationship anarchists and secondary-supremacists have been silenced, but it at least shows that the adults are still talking.