Reddit, Solved: Are Primary and Secondary useful concepts?

SiLioceo asks what we've all been thinking:

"I've always felt a bit uncomfortable about them, and feel like the distinction is perhaps just the shadow of monogamy creeping back into the poly concept. What do you guys think about the primary / secondary distinction? Is it useful? Does it lead to more ideological problems than it it's worth? Does it cause you to treat people differently in a way that isn't really helpful or healthy? How do expectations between primaries and secondaries differ?"

You're not wrong, SiLioceo, monogamy is a creeping, pervasive force that must be stomped out, its vocabulary purged, and its practitioners re-educated.  Ideological problems don't occur among those who are ideologically pure.  Just asking this makes us question your commitment to the poly state.  Oh sure, we've heard you denouncing rules as tools of the decadent monogamists, but you will need to do more than that to demonstrate your loyalty. 

Oh, is that a copy of Opening Up on your book shelf?  Funny, it looks awfully new.  My copy's a mess, of course.  That comes from reading it and bookmarking the best parts.  I can quote whole chapters, but then I'm sure you can too, am I right, comrade?  This brings to mind a quote by Tristan Taormino.  In her critique of Hegelian philosophy,she said, "Monogamy is a circle from which no one can escape.  Its hierarchy is a hierarchy of knowledge".  I come back to that often when confronted with your type.  You question and question.  Re-education hasn't worked.  We sent you for a week at a mini-con, yet again you sit here, an unrepentant recidivist.

For your questioning it is best if you were exiled to the NoFap subreddit, consigned to spend your days reading about people getting endlessly wanky about not wanking. Don't think of this of this as punishment.  The poly state does not punish; it doles out relationships and reddit threads to each based on need, not merit.  That is why the creepy couple just getting into poly finds a hot 22 year old unicorn after a month and you will spend New Years reading NoFap threads to your cat.

Stop crying.  Poly is not all about the tears, comrade.

Reddit, Solved: What's the Difference Between my Home and a Motel?

Platesandteacups asks:

"Everyone understands that even a Motel 6 has to pay for toilet paper, coffee, clean towels, water, detergent, housekeepers, electricity. Guess what? I have to pay for that too, and I pay for nice quality so my lovers can have a pleasant experience. People understand that if you want the nice versions of that shit in a hotel you pay for a nicer place, and your room rate will raise accordingly. If you can't afford the hotel you might decide not to take that vacation. So why am I expected to host for free?

A single unmarried person working full time to manage a household of my own while hosting/traveling to visit three lovers who all have homes and partners (but don't want to split the bills or home responsibilities) feels unfair."

So the issues here is that Plates has three partners who are all in primary relationships with other people and each drop by Plates' house once a week for nookie and cuddles.  Well, the problem is not the nookie, but all the linens dirtied and dogs to be fed.  

If only all problems were this simple.  In our household, we use Quicken Quick Reports to generate billing records that can be quickly sent our other partners.  Rather than let countless hours of sex and other affection continue as countless, we maintain good records and that is amply rewarded at tax time.  Remember, it's not all about the sex; you can bill for breakfast the next morning, in addition to back rubs, time spent watching "Firefly" and food consumed while servicing the other partner's needs.  With Quicken, it's easy peasy, and super romantic!  Our motto here at SoT has always been, "Have fun, and keep your receipts!"

A Sexless Sextet of Awful Polys to Avoid ( possibly or date if on Reddit)

This post was co-authored by The Girl.  

We've spent years in the wild, observing polys in their natural habitat, AKA the Internet, and have broken them down into easily identifiable types.  The reader is cautioned against approaching them in their habitats, unless you are in desperate need of drama and rationalizations of bad behavior.

These are clearly unfair and unflattering stereotypes.  If you're offended because you recognize yourself in one (or more of them), reconsider your life choices.  And your basic personality.  And possibly your grooming habits.  You're welcome.

Type: How is this poly if I'm not getting laid?
You've seen this guy.  For six months, he told her how great poly would be.  He bought "Opening Up" and "Stranger In A Strange Land" and left them by the Xbox for his wife to find.  He was sure he was months away from hot geek-girl sex.  Maybe group sex with cosplayers. But instead his wife is having a ton of fun with her three new boyfriends, while he posts about his resentment online.
Habitat: Game Stop, tearful threads on Reddit, Intersection of Smalltown, USA and Misogyny, staring at an empty OkCupid Inbox
Mating Call: "Polyamorous females just don't get how hard it is to be a guy in poly!"

Type: Pagans aka utilikilts meet wolf shirts

These aren't the polys you'll meet

Nothing objectively wrong with them as long as you have no sense of smell, and don't value social skills.
Habitat: Burning Man, Renn Faire, DragonCon
Mating Call: "Let's all cuddle and watch Firefly."

Type: Ms. Live-in-Moment/Mr. Impermanence
This one will walk out on you after returning from a night of drinking with a friend suspiciously referred to as a new partner despite just meeting.  When the going gets tough, they're fuckin' out of there.  Doesn't believe in hierarchies.  May leave you with their cat.
Habitat: San Francisco, Buddhist retreats, Esalen, your sofa for the weekend
Mating Call: "I just don't feel capable of meeting your emotional needs right now."

Type: Monogamists, aka "You're all trapped in here with me!"
Otherwise known as that person crying by the coffee maker at tonight's munch.  Known for excessive use of veto power and frequent threats of divorce.
Habitat: Alone, at home, again.
Mating Call: "Anyone have some tips for getting over crippling, obsessive jealousy?"

These are the polys you'll meet.  Your move.

Type: Closet Asexuals aka "Yay!  Group cuddle!!"
One of the benefits of Poly is that it allows you to have more a sexual connection with multiple people.  Because of this, it attracts people who are just a tiny bit scarred by their conservative Christian upbringing.  Enjoys finding subtle ways to slut shame swingers, people in open relationships, and everyone who doesn't meet their poly standards of pure love.
Habitat: Utah, Texas, Bible Belt
Mating Call: "Polyamory is about love, not sex, you know!"

Type: Polybloggers and Podcasters, aka "What were we talking about?"
Wish someone would put all your relationship turmoil out there for others to see?  Wish someone would be willing to make an example of you publicly?  If so, we have a hot date for you!
Habitat: Twitter, obsessively checking iTunes ranking, conferences, blocking you from getting off the bus while they refresh their smartphone screens.
Mating Call: "Hey listeners, this week we're going to talk about pitfalls of dating Jared."

Poly, Weakly: Episode 378 (The truth hurts; are you listening, Mrs. The ex-Greydancer, hurts)

-I'm back.  Why do I keep doing this to myself.
-Wut, no LG?  Awww.
-So she tells us about a new poly site she'll link to on the blog and then says, "(I)f you have the iPhone, or Windows, or Amazon app, you'll be able to find it there as well."
 Jebus, lady, there are blind septuagenarian shut-ins with a better understanding of technology.  Next time, Minx, have Ted Stevens cover the goings on with series of tubes.
-I stand corrected.  She's tech savvy.  She explained that, "There's a plug-in for Chrome, so if you use the Chrome browser, there's a plug-in."  Got that?
-She rattled off the categories of relationships one can select on the OKCupid plug-in, including "communicative".  Why do I not think they have this as a relationship model?
-She's exchanged the Twitters with someone.  Again, having a hard time believing this.
-So she hasn't been on OKCupid because LG has been taking all her time, what with meeting up on most weekends.  There isn't a polyamorous bone in her body, is there?
-"I listed that I was looking for romantic relationships, which is actually not true."  Damn, you really had us going there, you cunning minx.
-People wrote in seeking advice from Minx, hopefully for the humor value rather than needing any actual guidance.  Otherwise the poly community would be full of really fucked
up people and their even more fucked up relationships.
-She offers "Q" some dating advice moments after admitting that she's really bad at dating.  While that's pretty crap, this episode is amazing for its honesty mixed with a dash
of bold-faced lies.
-Oh good, "Q" is looking for two bi guys to start a poly family with her and plans to write a user manual on how to do it, but she's also wants to know if Minx has any ideas
about how to do it.  Good Lord, this is the poly community in a nutshell.
-Minx tells "Q" not to be too picky and keep her options open.
-Oh damn, here's a little more shitting on Greydancer's ex-wife.  Nice to know that wound hasn't healed since we last visited (it was in the wedding vows).
-"I just didn't feel I was a good person to date because I was kinda getting knee jerky and paranoid about how the metamor was going to treat me"  That statement started out great;
too bad she felt the need to finish with a bullshit qualifier.  Well, back to stroking herself.
-She admits that she too was into bi guys but "but never managed to date one".  Pro tip, there's a lot you won't be able to check off your dating bucket list if your complete
dating history can be written in crayon on the back of a beer mat.
-"I had a little brain storm".  That term does not mean what you thinks it means, part 498.
-Something something, rambling about kink negotiation in creating scenes.  WTF? She's given up on answering this question.  Just as well.
-"I don't like feeling like I'm just a fuck...wham bam thank you man." Thank you, man?  Uh, is this her admitting that gender play is her secret kink?
-"I want to be able to receive attention and affection on a fairly regular basis."  Episode 378: surprisingly honest.
-So she had issues with single guys providing enough attention and affection to meet her needs and wonders if she was coming across as needy.  It's not that the jury's still out
on this one, it's that they've turned in their badges and gone home.
-Oh, she thinks single guys blowing her off was because she's poly, and therefore not supposed to desire affection.  Yep, people treated you like a clingy basket case because you're
poly. That fits.
-Another letter seeking advice.  What the fuck is wrong with you people?  Can't you get advice from that schizophrenic guy down at the Greyhound depot?  You know, the one with a
cigarette butt in his hair?  He'll offer advice and is strangely more grounded.  Just sayin'.
-Oh damn this is a train wreck relationship.  "R" is in a triad with a couple and she's yiffing with some other guy who has an 18 year old fuck toy.  Somehow, lack of maturity is
an issue here.
-Wait the other woman is like totally being a bitch, "R" is like nuh uh, but the she put it on her blog, and the girl is totally like oh no she didn't.  Ugh.
-Minx is concerned that really young partners may not have enough relationship experience to allow them to handle these situations.  Again, Minx said that.
-What about communication?  Did you try that?  Minx thinks that would help.
-Third reference to Mrs. The ex-Greydancer in this episode.  All water under bridge.  Water deep enough that a careless metamor could drown in, should she fall and hit her head, right?
-"Good advice, bad advice, I'm never sure."  I think that's a solid hint that it's the latter.
-She wants to "crowdsource" feedback.   That term does not mean what you thinks it means, part 499.  She meant to say "brain storm".
-And with that, I'm outta here.  I've got to go warn Greydancer that his ex-wife is in danger.