The Problem w/ Poly, Part 1

My boyfriend's poly. I'm not.

Sounds like tagline for a Valtrex commercial, doesn't it? (Actually, let's stop while we're ahead with that train of thought.)

I'm not poly. My desired level of exclusivity isn't tied up in my identity. More than anything, I want emotional intimacy and connection, and I find it’s easier to get that on a deeper level if I have a commitment with one person, regardless of whether or not that’s an exclusive commitment. I am comfortable with occasional consensual dabbling outside of that commitment, but I don’t need it to be happy. I was very, very slutty in my youth. I'm mildly slutty now. Once upon a time I struggled with monogamy and thought I just couldn't do it. Now I find monogamy pretty damn easy. I work full time. I have friends, a home, hobbies, and a relationship with myself. I am lucky if I find one person I want to date regularly. Just thinking about trying to maintain multiple love relationships makes me tired.

I am not hating on non-exclusivity. I understand the benefits perfectly well. But for me, my ideal non-exclusive situation involves having the open door in those situations that make monogamy challenging- like when someone hot wants to make out with you at a party, or when you meet someone so enticing that it tempts you to stray. But the idea of actively seeking out additional partners when already in a steady relationship? IE, continuing to play the dating game once I’m already in a relationship? No thanks. For me, the whole point of having a boyfriend is that I no longer have to go on awkward dates with a lot of people. When I was younger, less experienced, and had more free time, it was a much more appealing prospect, but I also was a lot less particular about what I wanted from the people I dated.

I understand that for some folks, this “abundance of possibilities” keeps their relationship(s) exciting. But if I'm already getting laid regularly by my hot boyfriend, and I have a choice between going on a date with someone new or staying at home and watching True Blood and having a beer after an exhausting day of work? I'll take the latter (like I said, ten years ago, it would probably would have been the former). And if I'm at a play party and someone cute approaches me to play, that's rather a different story. But the reality is, I don't have time for multiple relationships in my already rather crowded daily life. Or rather, it's not a priority for me at this point of my life.

I will preface all this by saying I spent my twenties being rather slutty, and though I've lost count of my exact number of sex partners, it's probably somewhere in the eighties. I've fucked men, women and transfolks of all races, ages, shapes and colors. Kinky, vanilla, oral, anal, vaginal, fisting, pegging, group sex, snowballing, professional phone sex, golden showers, public sex- even if I didn't like it, I've at least tried it. I've drawn the line at animals, scat, snuff and children- otherwise, I've probably done it.

I've had more sex in my twenties than many people will have in their entire lives. I know my tastes and the nuances of my sexuality very well, and I've satisfied any number of curiosities. And I can tell you, with no regrets, that if I met the right person (and they would have to be as freaky as me), I would be very happy to be married and monogamous, as long as they were committed to having an active ongoing sex life with me. There was a point in my life where fucking a lot of people was a really exciting prospect. Now I'm a lot more turned on by going deeper with one person I have a really intense bond with. Because the truth is- I will play rougher, dirtier, nastier and more intensely with someone I trust, who knows me fairly well. Novelty and variety just doesn’t compare to that, for me.

The problem is, the people who are as freaky as me are generally not monogamous. Monogamy has come to seem borderline passe in the queer and kinky communities of Chicago. And I know from firsthand experience that trying to force somebody to be monogamous when they don't want to be doesn't work very well, having been on the other end of the equation when I was younger and hornier. This seems to be the sad irony of my life- I seem to attract monogamous people when I want to be non-monogamous, and vice-versa. I became involved with my current boyfriend even though he was seeking polyamory and I wasn't, because I liked him enough as a person and a sexual partner that this wasn't a deal breaker. As long as he prioritizes our relationship and handles himself well, his polyamory is not a deal breaker for me. And even if I am less interested in pursuing concurrent relationships, I still enjoy having the freedom to play with others as opportunities arise.

However, I do not call myself poly. Occasionally non monogamous or non exclusive, yes; poly, never. This all ties in to my earlier post "why I am not bi." To say I am non monogamous has a neutral connotation to me. To say I am Poly has an entire lifestyle philosophy hitched to it, a lifestyle I find myself at odds with on a regular basis. In part two, I’ll go into my specific issues with polyamory, and why I once embraced the label and lifestyle and why I now find it doesn’t work for me at all.

Until then, if someone could please explain why a bunch of stick figures riding a broomstick together represents polyamory, I'd appreciate it.