The Problem with Sex Rehab

The Red Eye, the Chicago Tribune-subsidized free daily for the Hoi Polloi who find reading a real newspaper too intellectually challenging, had a feature article about sex addiction and rehab today. There seems to be an epidemic of high profile people going into sex rehab lately (Tiger Woods, Jesse James et.al.) For me, it raises the question- is sex addiction real, or a convenient cop-out for getting caught fucking around? More importantly, is the current treatment strategies in place valid, or a reflection of a judgmental, sex negative culture?

The article focused on a local sex addict in treatment whose obsession with internet porn “almost cost him his marriage and his job.” Now he sends his browsing history to his wife and pastor daily to “hold himself accountable.”

I totally get that it’s possible to have an obsession with porn that does cross into harmful addiction territory, such as looking at it at work, neglecting your partner in favor of porn, etc. But what really sticks in my craw about this is the part about sending his browsing history to his pastor and wife. I will bet you money that there’s a zero-tolerance for porn policy happening in his personal life and community. I can’t help but wonder what his relationship with porn would be if instead his wife said something like “hey, it’s cool if you look at porn when you're not at work, as long as you make fucking me your first priority.” It's possible that this dude is so obsessed with porn that there is no middle ground, but there's nothing that makes you want something more than being told you can't have it ever.

I also question the 90-day abstinence sex rehab program at Promises mentioned in the article. 90 days without partner sex, I understand, but this parameter also includes masturbation. A friend challenged me to thirty days without masturbation a few years ago, and I lasted 9 days before I decided it was bullshit. I spent those nine days irritable and constantly obsessed with sex. Is that really productive for someone who is trying to de-emphasize their sexual obsession?

I do believe that sex addiction is real, because the chemicals that sex and new partnerships trigger in the brain are addictive (more so for some people than others, I'm sure)- it creates a DIY meth lab in your brain. I know this first hand, because I've wondered if I'm a sex addict at times. I’ve compulsively had sex with people I knew were bad news because I wanted that high. I've fucked people off the internet the first time I met them. I’ve had sex with several people in a 24-hour period because I got off the sense of power. Ironically I met my current boyfriend shortly after crying to my therapist that I was an untreatable sex addict. But ironically, once I’m in a relationship, I seem to be able to keep those impulses in check, and have a healthy sexual connection. (Yes, I fuck my boyfriend’s brains out on a regular basis, but I don’t see that as a problem). So am I a sex addict, or just human that makes bad choices at times? And does the fact that I’m a woman play into the shamefulness of my past compulsive sexual behavior- ie would these behaviors be considered more “normal” for men?

Sex addiction is clearly a grey area disorder, like food addiction. You can’t get rid of sex or food completely, and it can be harder to manage an addictive disorder when the addictive stimulus is constantly present, and even a necessary aspect of life. I also believe that “sex addiction” can be highly contextual- I think a lot more of us would be sex addicts if we had the option. It’s a given that it’s easy for men with money and power to fuck a lot, I don't know if this really counts as sex addiction or just human nature. OTOH, one of the most successful manwhore/sociopaths I’ve ever met was fat, unemployed, short-dicked, and well into his forties who was an expert at emotionally manipulating women for sex. So what is the ultimate motivating stimulus behind compulsive sexual behavior? The chemical high, emotional insecurities, or in some cases- simply availability?

I am curious how sexual addiction would be “treated” from a sex positive standpoint that didn’t require swearing off masturbation and porn, or if it would even exist in the same way if our society didn’t demonize sexuality and promiscuity.