Since starting this blog, I've spent a lot of time wading through the sex/sexuality blogosphere. Anyone who's done this knows that it can be a mixed bag. Mixed bag may be too kind. There are more dicks hanging out than Chat Roulette. There are fascinating accounts of people's sexual lives. There are the hotwives, the cuckolds, the BDSM lifestylers, closet-cases, swingers, adult babies, hedonists, and cheaters. The whole lot form a fascinating tapestry of the complex modern sexual world.
Sometimes, you find yourself reading a blog because it's so well-written or interesting that you simply can't stop. Other times, you throw the bullshit flag and move on, realizing quickly that the person is making up a life to appear cool to the other sex bloggers. And then there are the ones that have you aghast because of the sheer awfulness of what is unfolding.
The cheaters often fall into the latter category. In nearly every cheating blog, the rationalization post is near the beginning. It's always a "don't judge me because of my actions" post. Usually those posts are gentle. Dear Husband (DH) likes sex less than I do. Dear Wife (DW) lost interest in sex after our twins were born. In some cases, though, the rationalization post is so full of nastiness and vitriol, it can't be contained in a single post. In those cases, there are typically multiple posts containing jabs at the spouse.
One of the most appalling spent more than two years tearing down her spouse. When he discovered the blog, he was upset. The blogger then decided to use it to attack her husband for not being man enough to fight for her but railing about him trying to keep an eye on her activities. Another initiated a tirade about how she's such a giver and her husband craves her attention that she looks for men just willing to pay attention to her. The post was buttressed by dozens of accounts of selfish lovers slipping in through the back door of her house to get blow jobs and then slipping out. One claimed his wife didn't like sex, and later added that the reason he cheated was that their sex life went downhill after she was diagnosed with cancer and failed to account for his sexual needs.
Many cited a spouse who traveled too much for work as a reason for cheating. One, after several affairs complained that her spouse was just not motivated like the "alpha males" she was fucking and convinced him to start his own company, which took up much of his time, that she used to justify sleeping with even more guys.
I had originally intended to put links in this post, but I started it just over a year ago. Since then, nearly all of the ones referenced have gone dormant or disappeared. A few hinted that their divorce attorneys wanted them stopped. Others referenced getting caught. These blogs seem to have a lifespan of about 18 months. New ones are always cropping up, so anyone seeking to wallow I as did should mosey over to Google. New infidelity blogs seem to crop up just as fast as they collapse, so there's no rush.
What ultimately amazes me is that so many of these cheating blogs are so short-lived, and yet, many more get added. It's one thing to fuck around on a partner. It happens. Life is messy. To create an on-line persona around it and document at length how inadequate your partner is in comparison with your lovers is something else entirely. It's the deepest hurt one can add. Piling on cheap justification doesn't make it better; it only makes it more selfish. In the mean time, these blogs get discovered and the lawyers get involved. Is there any good in it all?
Showing posts with label navel gazing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label navel gazing. Show all posts
10/25/11
5/11/10
The Problem w/ Poly, Part 1
My boyfriend's poly. I'm not.
Sounds like tagline for a Valtrex commercial, doesn't it? (Actually, let's stop while we're ahead with that train of thought.)
I'm not poly. My desired level of exclusivity isn't tied up in my identity. More than anything, I want emotional intimacy and connection, and I find it’s easier to get that on a deeper level if I have a commitment with one person, regardless of whether or not that’s an exclusive commitment. I am comfortable with occasional consensual dabbling outside of that commitment, but I don’t need it to be happy. I was very, very slutty in my youth. I'm mildly slutty now. Once upon a time I struggled with monogamy and thought I just couldn't do it. Now I find monogamy pretty damn easy. I work full time. I have friends, a home, hobbies, and a relationship with myself. I am lucky if I find one person I want to date regularly. Just thinking about trying to maintain multiple love relationships makes me tired.
I am not hating on non-exclusivity. I understand the benefits perfectly well. But for me, my ideal non-exclusive situation involves having the open door in those situations that make monogamy challenging- like when someone hot wants to make out with you at a party, or when you meet someone so enticing that it tempts you to stray. But the idea of actively seeking out additional partners when already in a steady relationship? IE, continuing to play the dating game once I’m already in a relationship? No thanks. For me, the whole point of having a boyfriend is that I no longer have to go on awkward dates with a lot of people. When I was younger, less experienced, and had more free time, it was a much more appealing prospect, but I also was a lot less particular about what I wanted from the people I dated.
I understand that for some folks, this “abundance of possibilities” keeps their relationship(s) exciting. But if I'm already getting laid regularly by my hot boyfriend, and I have a choice between going on a date with someone new or staying at home and watching True Blood and having a beer after an exhausting day of work? I'll take the latter (like I said, ten years ago, it would probably would have been the former). And if I'm at a play party and someone cute approaches me to play, that's rather a different story. But the reality is, I don't have time for multiple relationships in my already rather crowded daily life. Or rather, it's not a priority for me at this point of my life.
I will preface all this by saying I spent my twenties being rather slutty, and though I've lost count of my exact number of sex partners, it's probably somewhere in the eighties. I've fucked men, women and transfolks of all races, ages, shapes and colors. Kinky, vanilla, oral, anal, vaginal, fisting, pegging, group sex, snowballing, professional phone sex, golden showers, public sex- even if I didn't like it, I've at least tried it. I've drawn the line at animals, scat, snuff and children- otherwise, I've probably done it.
I've had more sex in my twenties than many people will have in their entire lives. I know my tastes and the nuances of my sexuality very well, and I've satisfied any number of curiosities. And I can tell you, with no regrets, that if I met the right person (and they would have to be as freaky as me), I would be very happy to be married and monogamous, as long as they were committed to having an active ongoing sex life with me. There was a point in my life where fucking a lot of people was a really exciting prospect. Now I'm a lot more turned on by going deeper with one person I have a really intense bond with. Because the truth is- I will play rougher, dirtier, nastier and more intensely with someone I trust, who knows me fairly well. Novelty and variety just doesn’t compare to that, for me.
The problem is, the people who are as freaky as me are generally not monogamous. Monogamy has come to seem borderline passe in the queer and kinky communities of Chicago. And I know from firsthand experience that trying to force somebody to be monogamous when they don't want to be doesn't work very well, having been on the other end of the equation when I was younger and hornier. This seems to be the sad irony of my life- I seem to attract monogamous people when I want to be non-monogamous, and vice-versa. I became involved with my current boyfriend even though he was seeking polyamory and I wasn't, because I liked him enough as a person and a sexual partner that this wasn't a deal breaker. As long as he prioritizes our relationship and handles himself well, his polyamory is not a deal breaker for me. And even if I am less interested in pursuing concurrent relationships, I still enjoy having the freedom to play with others as opportunities arise.
However, I do not call myself poly. Occasionally non monogamous or non exclusive, yes; poly, never. This all ties in to my earlier post "why I am not bi." To say I am non monogamous has a neutral connotation to me. To say I am Poly has an entire lifestyle philosophy hitched to it, a lifestyle I find myself at odds with on a regular basis. In part two, I’ll go into my specific issues with polyamory, and why I once embraced the label and lifestyle and why I now find it doesn’t work for me at all.
Until then, if someone could please explain why a bunch of stick figures riding a broomstick together represents polyamory, I'd appreciate it.
4/13/10
Where Are The Good Blogs? And! I Got Called Out!
Ah, my first brush with e-fame. In the (sigh) third post at Tiger Beatdown on the Sady Vs. Freddie drama, Sady goes into a rant about how she is being perceived as egotistical because women are not supposed to trumpet how awesome they are. As a woman myself, boy do I get that. But! She uses a quote from a comment I left on Freddie's blog to illustrate the point: "...self-obsessed even for a blogger..." Of course, she doesn't attribute the quote to me, and lumps me in with threats of physical violence from male-identified commenters, and fails to mention that I use the quote in the process of telling Freddie that he's acting like a sexist douche. I guess being somewhat underwhelmed by the degree to which Sady Fuckin' Doyle manages to make both feminism in general but also other people's oppressions All About Her puts me in the same camp as dudes getting annoyed at women having a little bit of self-esteem.
Now it's not my intention to make this about some imaginary, Kathy Griffin-equse feud between me and what I am often told is now one of the best and most popular feminist blogs on the Internet (it's a good hook though, isn't it?) As I said here, on TigerBeatDown, and in Freddie's blog is that I think Sady is funny, and the opinions on the blog more thoughtful than not, but for the aforementioned reasons, I'm not really a fan. I don't quite get why that bothers Sady, since she has really more than enough fans to outweigh my lonely, bitter old voice. But this brings me to my point: where are the really good blogs?
Frankly, I'm not much of a blog reader. A post on ontd_feminism on LiveJournal discussing the best feminist blogs reminded me of why. I was generally familiar with the majority of blogs listed, but aside from the ones that we link to her, I have been underwhelmed. I think the LJ user DraperyFalls puts it well:
"i find blogs that just regurgitate other blog posts or quote liberally from news articles and post predictable thoughts extremely dull. unfortunately, many blogs like feministing, feministe, pandagon, theangryblackwoman, womanist-musings, etc. fall into that category."
I do like some of these blogs (as I link to them, obviously) and I cerintaly don't feel like Womanist Musings falls into that category, as it's chock-full of great content and commentary, but ze's overall point resonates: there are a ton of blogs that relate to the issues we're interested in here at SexOrTelevision that are largely link fiestas, drawing you into a recursive and yeah, boring loop. Somewhat problematic blogs like TigerBeatDown and I Blame The Patriarchy are exceptions, as in they often provide lots of real, meaty content, which is great. Of course, content means opinions, and some of those are tiresome or in the case of IBTP, difficult to defend, given the history of commenters' transphobia on IBTP and Twisty's ignoring of it, among other issues.
When it comes to writing about sex, a huge number of sexuality blogs seem to be filled with bad erotica and personal tales of deviancy. Which is great and there's certainly a place for that, but when that's all you've got, it's yawn time. Where's the analysis?
So I'm going to ask you, dear readers, all three of you: what are YOUR favorite feminist/trans/queer/gender-examining/sex-obsessed/anti-racist/kinky blogs? And why do you like them? I've discovered a few more the other day that I do want to add to our blogroll, but I am open to suggestions. Alternatively: why do you think this part of the blogosphere is the way it is, and what would you like to see change?
I'm not trying to be super-critical here (even though that's our nature over at SOT) - but I do think that when you have literally thousands of followers and get brought up of as "the best" in your field, you open yourself up to some nitpicking from the (secretly jealous) peanut gallery. We can only hope that one day we're widely read enough to have peeps rolling their eyes at us, saying, "I just don't understand why it's so popular," with a derisive snort.
Semi-relatedly, in our ongoing effort to make SexOrTelevision awesome, I am extremely pleased and excited to introduce our newest guest author, GirlAboutChiTown! My association with Chi goes back many years, as her writings on sex, kink, queerness and culture inspired me to start writing about these things myself. She's one of those real writers (i.e. published!) and just all-around awesome. She talked me into attending International Ms. Leather convention with her on Thursday, and I cannot wait to read what she has to write about the event. In the meantime, I'm going to be trying to figure out what to wear.
Now it's not my intention to make this about some imaginary, Kathy Griffin-equse feud between me and what I am often told is now one of the best and most popular feminist blogs on the Internet (it's a good hook though, isn't it?) As I said here, on TigerBeatDown, and in Freddie's blog is that I think Sady is funny, and the opinions on the blog more thoughtful than not, but for the aforementioned reasons, I'm not really a fan. I don't quite get why that bothers Sady, since she has really more than enough fans to outweigh my lonely, bitter old voice. But this brings me to my point: where are the really good blogs?
Frankly, I'm not much of a blog reader. A post on ontd_feminism on LiveJournal discussing the best feminist blogs reminded me of why. I was generally familiar with the majority of blogs listed, but aside from the ones that we link to her, I have been underwhelmed. I think the LJ user DraperyFalls puts it well:
"i find blogs that just regurgitate other blog posts or quote liberally from news articles and post predictable thoughts extremely dull. unfortunately, many blogs like feministing, feministe, pandagon, theangryblackwoman, womanist-musings, etc. fall into that category."
I do like some of these blogs (as I link to them, obviously) and I cerintaly don't feel like Womanist Musings falls into that category, as it's chock-full of great content and commentary, but ze's overall point resonates: there are a ton of blogs that relate to the issues we're interested in here at SexOrTelevision that are largely link fiestas, drawing you into a recursive and yeah, boring loop. Somewhat problematic blogs like TigerBeatDown and I Blame The Patriarchy are exceptions, as in they often provide lots of real, meaty content, which is great. Of course, content means opinions, and some of those are tiresome or in the case of IBTP, difficult to defend, given the history of commenters' transphobia on IBTP and Twisty's ignoring of it, among other issues.
When it comes to writing about sex, a huge number of sexuality blogs seem to be filled with bad erotica and personal tales of deviancy. Which is great and there's certainly a place for that, but when that's all you've got, it's yawn time. Where's the analysis?
So I'm going to ask you, dear readers, all three of you: what are YOUR favorite feminist/trans/queer/gender-examining/sex-obsessed/anti-racist/kinky blogs? And why do you like them? I've discovered a few more the other day that I do want to add to our blogroll, but I am open to suggestions. Alternatively: why do you think this part of the blogosphere is the way it is, and what would you like to see change?
I'm not trying to be super-critical here (even though that's our nature over at SOT) - but I do think that when you have literally thousands of followers and get brought up of as "the best" in your field, you open yourself up to some nitpicking from the (secretly jealous) peanut gallery. We can only hope that one day we're widely read enough to have peeps rolling their eyes at us, saying, "I just don't understand why it's so popular," with a derisive snort.
Semi-relatedly, in our ongoing effort to make SexOrTelevision awesome, I am extremely pleased and excited to introduce our newest guest author, GirlAboutChiTown! My association with Chi goes back many years, as her writings on sex, kink, queerness and culture inspired me to start writing about these things myself. She's one of those real writers (i.e. published!) and just all-around awesome. She talked me into attending International Ms. Leather convention with her on Thursday, and I cannot wait to read what she has to write about the event. In the meantime, I'm going to be trying to figure out what to wear.
4/11/10
Gossip! Or: How To Be A Privilged Ass
So being new to the blogosphere I haven't really had the chance to throw myself into the kind of rough-and-tumble arguments I'm used to having spent 10 years (ugh, really?) on LiveJournal. The thing you kids have to understand is that LiveJournal is different - it's basically the rough yet ridiculous high school of the Internet. People are mean there - me included. It's the kinda place where a simple disagreement over terminology ends with phrases like, "Fuck you and your mother, you racist cunt!" Rough and tumble, you get the idea. Having spent my e-adolescence (i.e. my real-life 20s) in such an environment, I tend to come off as a bit hostile to the more sheltered parts of the Internet, such as the horrible PolyWeekly forums, where the response to genuine disagreements over issues like silencing of queer voices or transphobia is a lot of weird passive-aggressive versions of "Fuck you and your mother." No, really, at this point I pretty much dare any reader of this blog to go to the PolyWeekly forums and try to start a substantive conversation about identity issues and see how far it gets you. No, I AM FUCKING SERIOUS, I will pay you ten dollars, I just want to watch.
Oh, the point! So unlike the drama of LiveJournal or the faux-niceness of a lot of message boards, the blogosphere (I will never not un-italicize that, not ever) seems to be about a sort of refined politeness, a salon, if you will, where we all meet and exchange ideas and recursively link to each other endlessly because really, 80% of serious blog content is just linking to another blog. Social status in the blogosphere, as I understand it, seems to be about three things: how many people link to you, how many people comment to your posts, and how many new blog posts an argument on your blog can inspire. Obviously under this rubric, we're doing pretty poorly (which is not our fault, as nobody is arguing with us in the comments! Get with it, kids!).
But I did find myself drawn into one particular drama-fiasco by two bloggers I'm not particularly fond of. What's fun is I can be impartial observer. The two blogs in question are the feminist blog Tiger Beatdown (already winning points for best name) and L'Hote which is a really boring blog by some dude.
Here's the rundown:
Sady at TigerBeatdown makes a funny although rambly post with another blogger about men, uh, sort of.
Our man Freddy from L'Hote gets offended at Sady's humor (which is really what makes her blog appealing) and her characterization of men who identify as feminist and wear "This is what a feminist looks like!" t-shirts and attend Take Back the Night rallies with the intent of getting laid. So he makes a stupid comment:
"Look, I have to tell you: your whole enterprise here, the whole long and short of it, appears to be an edifice designed to give you a platform that paws at discourse while denying the possibility of you ever getting called on anything. I mean the whole apparatus of the place. It’s like this constant recursion of LOLspeak/serious speak/LOLspeak, this Russian dolls style thing you’re so enamored with. It’s just a mechanism to introduce a self-limiting aspect on what you want to say; you want to be heard and to be taken seriously, but you want the out to be able to say that you were just goofing. Well, goof away, it’s the Internet, and it’s your dime, but understand that you are denying intellectual rigor when you do so."
Look, peeps, I don't need to see your eyeroll, because no matter how many times I read this comment, I DO IT TOO. Even better, in the same comment he linked to this bit of brilliance about the sad, sad tale of men in the feminist blogosphere.
OK, so here's where I'm going to out myself: I'm a misandrist, straight up. On the whole, I am not a fan of straight, white, cis men as I do not like their version of masculinity, and I generally find them tiresome and obnoxious at best: at worst they are violent, harassing, and dangerous. This isn't to say I don't like men. When I say I'm a misandrist, I mean I hate popular male culture and the behavior that it engenders, and that I do not automatically assume men are my friends or allies until they prove themselves to be so, regardless of how they identify. I don't think men and women are considered equal in our culture so any attempts to equate this to misogyny or any other form of harmful prejudice are not going to resonate with me because that would be facile and stupid.
Despite my misandry and my years of e-experience, I chose to engage with Freddy, because, why the fuck not? I guess I was bored. So let's have a quick rundown, my lovelies, of how not to act if you are a man displaying sexist behavior in a feminist space - and really, let's remember this applies to anyone who is attempting to be an ally in a space where we have privilege, right?
Freddy said something stupid, wrote a stupid post about it (already previously linked) and then Sady decided to slap him a new one. And he whined, because HOLY FUCKING SHIT some feminists were not nice to him even after he told them he was a feminist and he cared! THE GALL OF THOSE BITCHES. So he writes a new post about how insecure Sady must be and how mean they were to him but he wants to know if he did really fuck up, well, please tell him, but also, he's a nice feminist guy and they were mean because they made jokes about his peen.
OK honestly, I did, for a brief moment in all this, feel bad for the guy. Getting called out on your privilege is hard, making an ass of yourself in front of hundreds (thousands?) of readers is hard, and being defensive is a natural reaction. A small part of me wanted to believe Freddy when he claimed he really wanted to know if he was doing something wrong, and if so, how to fix it. So I wrote several comments to him - frank, but not particularly mean - explaining how he'd fucked this up and what he could do to un-fuck it, as did many other nice feminists.
Freddy continues to make stupid, whiny posts because Freddy is not particularly interested in examining his own behavior and luckily he has an echo chamber of high-fivin' bros to reassure him that any feminist - regardless of whether we're fans of Sady's or not - who finds fault his his ridiculous behavior is just a goose-steppin' idealogue spewing our hatred of men all over the 'tubes.
I guess they're not wrong, in which I mean, this kind of behavior really does reinforce for me why I happily, cheerfully identify as a misandrist. I get to live in a wonderful bubble called the Bay Area which already means I've pretty much weeded out the conservatives and libertarians for the most part. Better yet, I get to choose my own circle of friends which means that although I do in fact surround myself with men socially, I never have to hear in my real life the kind of shit that Freddy spews. And it's funny, because Freddy clings to his feminist label as a way to bludgeon actual feminists, while I only think maybe one or two out of a dozen guys in my social circle would actually identify themselves as feminists. But the thing is, these guys have proven themselves to be loyal, trustworthy, listenin', right-on dudes, even if they don't have a background in women's studies or really care about identity politics.
And that's what Freddy and his ilk - and let me tell you, they are Legion - will never understand. For them, "feminism" as a label is seen as a shortcut to the kind of acceptance and validation they crave from women, yet they don't understand that is earned through actions and behavior, not by what you claim to be.
Oh, the point! So unlike the drama of LiveJournal or the faux-niceness of a lot of message boards, the blogosphere (I will never not un-italicize that, not ever) seems to be about a sort of refined politeness, a salon, if you will, where we all meet and exchange ideas and recursively link to each other endlessly because really, 80% of serious blog content is just linking to another blog. Social status in the blogosphere, as I understand it, seems to be about three things: how many people link to you, how many people comment to your posts, and how many new blog posts an argument on your blog can inspire. Obviously under this rubric, we're doing pretty poorly (which is not our fault, as nobody is arguing with us in the comments! Get with it, kids!).
But I did find myself drawn into one particular drama-fiasco by two bloggers I'm not particularly fond of. What's fun is I can be impartial observer. The two blogs in question are the feminist blog Tiger Beatdown (already winning points for best name) and L'Hote which is a really boring blog by some dude.
Here's the rundown:
Sady at TigerBeatdown makes a funny although rambly post with another blogger about men, uh, sort of.
Our man Freddy from L'Hote gets offended at Sady's humor (which is really what makes her blog appealing) and her characterization of men who identify as feminist and wear "This is what a feminist looks like!" t-shirts and attend Take Back the Night rallies with the intent of getting laid. So he makes a stupid comment:
"Look, I have to tell you: your whole enterprise here, the whole long and short of it, appears to be an edifice designed to give you a platform that paws at discourse while denying the possibility of you ever getting called on anything. I mean the whole apparatus of the place. It’s like this constant recursion of LOLspeak/serious speak/LOLspeak, this Russian dolls style thing you’re so enamored with. It’s just a mechanism to introduce a self-limiting aspect on what you want to say; you want to be heard and to be taken seriously, but you want the out to be able to say that you were just goofing. Well, goof away, it’s the Internet, and it’s your dime, but understand that you are denying intellectual rigor when you do so."
Look, peeps, I don't need to see your eyeroll, because no matter how many times I read this comment, I DO IT TOO. Even better, in the same comment he linked to this bit of brilliance about the sad, sad tale of men in the feminist blogosphere.
OK, so here's where I'm going to out myself: I'm a misandrist, straight up. On the whole, I am not a fan of straight, white, cis men as I do not like their version of masculinity, and I generally find them tiresome and obnoxious at best: at worst they are violent, harassing, and dangerous. This isn't to say I don't like men. When I say I'm a misandrist, I mean I hate popular male culture and the behavior that it engenders, and that I do not automatically assume men are my friends or allies until they prove themselves to be so, regardless of how they identify. I don't think men and women are considered equal in our culture so any attempts to equate this to misogyny or any other form of harmful prejudice are not going to resonate with me because that would be facile and stupid.
Despite my misandry and my years of e-experience, I chose to engage with Freddy, because, why the fuck not? I guess I was bored. So let's have a quick rundown, my lovelies, of how not to act if you are a man displaying sexist behavior in a feminist space - and really, let's remember this applies to anyone who is attempting to be an ally in a space where we have privilege, right?
Freddy said something stupid, wrote a stupid post about it (already previously linked) and then Sady decided to slap him a new one. And he whined, because HOLY FUCKING SHIT some feminists were not nice to him even after he told them he was a feminist and he cared! THE GALL OF THOSE BITCHES. So he writes a new post about how insecure Sady must be and how mean they were to him but he wants to know if he did really fuck up, well, please tell him, but also, he's a nice feminist guy and they were mean because they made jokes about his peen.
OK honestly, I did, for a brief moment in all this, feel bad for the guy. Getting called out on your privilege is hard, making an ass of yourself in front of hundreds (thousands?) of readers is hard, and being defensive is a natural reaction. A small part of me wanted to believe Freddy when he claimed he really wanted to know if he was doing something wrong, and if so, how to fix it. So I wrote several comments to him - frank, but not particularly mean - explaining how he'd fucked this up and what he could do to un-fuck it, as did many other nice feminists.
Freddy continues to make stupid, whiny posts because Freddy is not particularly interested in examining his own behavior and luckily he has an echo chamber of high-fivin' bros to reassure him that any feminist - regardless of whether we're fans of Sady's or not - who finds fault his his ridiculous behavior is just a goose-steppin' idealogue spewing our hatred of men all over the 'tubes.
I guess they're not wrong, in which I mean, this kind of behavior really does reinforce for me why I happily, cheerfully identify as a misandrist. I get to live in a wonderful bubble called the Bay Area which already means I've pretty much weeded out the conservatives and libertarians for the most part. Better yet, I get to choose my own circle of friends which means that although I do in fact surround myself with men socially, I never have to hear in my real life the kind of shit that Freddy spews. And it's funny, because Freddy clings to his feminist label as a way to bludgeon actual feminists, while I only think maybe one or two out of a dozen guys in my social circle would actually identify themselves as feminists. But the thing is, these guys have proven themselves to be loyal, trustworthy, listenin', right-on dudes, even if they don't have a background in women's studies or really care about identity politics.
And that's what Freddy and his ilk - and let me tell you, they are Legion - will never understand. For them, "feminism" as a label is seen as a shortcut to the kind of acceptance and validation they crave from women, yet they don't understand that is earned through actions and behavior, not by what you claim to be.
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