Memoirs of a Unicorn

I am too GGG for my own damn good.

While I understand and appreciate Dan Savage’s fundamental principal of being a good, game and giving lover, I think there are many times it has led me astray. Like putting up with a crazy boyfriend who insisted on wearing a wrestling suit during sex, every time. Really, sometimes it’s okay to be NOT GGG. Namely, being the unicorn for people that you are not in a relationship with.

Last night my boyfriend asked me if I’d ever be into having a threesome with him. I replied that only if it was with him and another dude. I’ve been the unicorn too many times. The “hot bi babe” the boy-girl couple recruits for the threesome, then sends home in a cab a few hours later after they’ve enjoyed “spicing up” their relationship for a night.

I will admit that I did a lot dumb stuff in my twenties out of curiosity, for the stories, or simply because I like making people happy. FFM threesomes, while occasionally fun, and often problematic, have never really been my fantasy. MMF threesomes, on the other hand- bring it on. They just makes more sense logistically in terms of stick to hole ratio, but every time I get one lined up, someone backs out. And goddamit, karma owes me one for being the unicorn so many times over.

Having reached the ripe old age of thirty, I am frankly bored with being the person who makes someone else’s fantasy come true when there’s nothing in it for me. Oddly enough, although I’d participated in any number of orgies, play parties, and poly triads by my late twenties, I was 28 before I had my first threesome. I had a lot of FFM threesomes when I was 28, enough to pretty much lose interest in FFM threesomes forever.

I’ve read somewhere that it’s good etiquette to make the outsider party the focus of attention in a threesome, but I’ve never experienced that to be the case. Generally speaking, the FFM threesome is mainly for the benefit of one player in particular- and usually (though not always) it’s the man. At its worse, this manifested as one occasion where I helped a Domme fuck her husband’s ass- until he came and rolled over, and she walked away, and I hadn’t even taken my panties off! (And we’d supposedly negotiated that I was supposed to be the focus of the scene? After he got fucked, of course, and once he got fucked, he forgot all about that…)

On another occasion, I went down on the female primary partner of a guy I was dating while he watched in bondage. Once untied, she fucked him while I sat awkwardly on the edge of the bed, and I got sent home in a cab without getting off. Later she told me she “viewed me like a sister.” Ouch.

There was one couple I played with where I really felt like everyone had a good time- they were both hot, adventurous, and giving. Until they started texting and calling me non-stop with bizarro, controlling drama and power plays for the entire week following the hookup.

Honestly, I just find it easier to have sex with one person at a time. Margaret Cho once said something to the effect that a threesome is like trying to jam way too much stuff in your mouth at one time. She has a point, metaphorically and literally.

I’m hanging up my horn and relinquishing my hot bi babe duties to the younger, more curious, less jaded ladies. It’s time to be GGG for myself.