For years OKCupid has been my go-to dating site for several reasons: it's free, it (used to) attract unconventional, geeky people who were still fuckable, it wasn't exceedingly meat markety, it doesn't have a Christian agenda, there were funny quizzes, you didn't have to answer a bunch of stupid questions unless you wanted to.
Via OKCupid, I met a couple decent fuckbuddies (several of whom I'm still on good terms with), various and sundry assholes, a flat out terrible boyfriend, and even a friend or three. The site did facilitate me hooking up with current BF even if it wasn't how we met. I've used the dating styles quiz as a litmus test for where I was at WRT dating at various points in my life. All in all, OkCupid has served me well enough in the past.
The thing is, it's gone downhill recently. It's possible that as I enter my thirties and get pickier, I'm aging out of the OKC demographic. But here's the thing- ten years ago, online dating was stigmatized by the general public which meant the people who did it were either totally undateable, or else kind of weird but awesome (I prefer to view myself as an early adopter in the latter category). But somewhere along the line, assholes realized it was an easy way to get laid. (I briefly dated a fat dude with a neckbeard who confessed over beers that "he no longer thinks he could be in a committed relationship since it's so easy for him to get laid with online dating." Just, EW.) And a lot of people don't understand online dating netiquette, so the site is now flooded with profiles of assholes in Naperville who only post one photo, don't fill out their profile, don't read my profile, and send me messages that say "Yo."
I've put up and taken down profiles maybe 5 or 6 times as successes and frustrations with the site have waxed and waned. However, a friend of mine posted something they sent her on her Facebook today that annoyed the shit out of me:
"We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. [. . .] Your new elite status comes with one important privilege:... You will now see more attractive people in your match results.[. . .] Suddenly, the world is your oyster. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see."
Ok, so what is this shit? (and yes, I'm one of her "ugly friends" apparently.) This strikes me as so petty, so ick, and so unlike what I thought OKCupid stood for, as a weirdo-friendly dating site. There's already a "beautiful people" dating site that boots members if they gain 5 pounds, and while attractiveness is important, it's also highly subjective. While I agree that said friend is lovely, rewarding members as with "elite" privilege on the basis of conventional attractiveness strikes me as petty and alienating to the majority of users.
It makes me feel like, at the end of the day, high school oppression mentality is still lurking everywhere. Anyone have any suggestions for dating sites that are free and don't suck?
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wow you take this pretty personally.. maybe your 'results' didn't get in yet... maybe their just using their subset of data to just give mkore opportunity. doesn't say you can't get what you want, just trying to improve your odds....
ReplyDeleteI have no desire to belong to this "elite" and would be equally grossed out if I had received this message directly. We live in a society where people (esp. women) are rewarded for being conventionally attractive as a form of control. I liked OKCupid because it wasn't anything like other dating sites, and now I just feel like they've sold out to the mainstream.
ReplyDeletethanks for this post. I had no idea this was happening. I'm going to email okcupid and tell them just how stupid and offensive this is. I may borrow language from your post, if that's ok.
ReplyDeleteThe great thing about OKCupid is that they try new things all of the time. Many of those new things are retarded and many of them are not. The things that actually have a benefit for their users get kept and the other things are neglected.
ReplyDeleteThis thing sounds retarded. Whatever. Their match algorithm still makes it the best dating site on the internet if you know how to use it right.
i'd heard rumours of this and ... just... really.
ReplyDeletemy relationship with okc has always been rather love/hate... this is tipping it back toward hate.
i perused the okc lj community, but saw no recent mention of this change in events.
and anon... i don't know what you mean by "know how to use it right" in regard to their algorithm. especially since it's shifted and changed through the years.
So… I got that email. I laughed at it. You know why? I hardly think it’s true. Two reasons:
ReplyDeleteFirst, it said it was based on clicks on my photos and how people reacted in the Quiver and Quickmatch functions. I’ve hardly been contacted on those at all.
Second, the sender of the email is listed as “OkCupid! Summer Interns”. Said Summer Interns had never sent an email from OkCupid! before—at least, not to my knowledge.
Personally, I think this was just a programming or marketing assignment for lackeys to fulfill.
I'm a guy and I've been on OKCupid for 3 months. During that time, I've sent out about a dozen messages and never gotten a single message back. I haven't seen any evidence that anybody on the site finds me attractive, aside from a few repeat visitors, and one girl that messaged me (but then never responded to my response).
ReplyDeleteHowever, I got this very same email today. So, maybe it's just a bug or an extremely poorly thought out feature. If I was in the top half of attractiveness, wouldn't somebody either have messaged me or responded to one of my messages in 3 months? Throwing me into a group of members even less likely to reply to me is just sad.
So you could have it a lot worse.
I don't disagree with the main thrust of your argument, but I think this is part of their experimental stuff, trying to figure out how to make the website better. Compared to the other free online dating sites, it's much better. Not necessarily saying much, but there you have it. I have an equally colored past with the site. The only other free one I have heard anything good about is plenty of fish and I get so much retarded shit on that site it's unbelievable.
ReplyDeleteI got that e-mail and I was weirded out by it -- I assumed it was either something they had sent to everyone or that it was based on participating in the new feature they have that picks your best photo. It's also vaguely insulting, like there's a chance you've been on the site for a long time and only recently have they decided you've popped above the 50% mark.
Dunno, it's just weird I guess is my point.
I got the message too, and I totally agree with it. :-)
ReplyDeleteWhat I found odd is that is says I'm in the top half of OkCupid's *most attractive users* (those words are in bold), not of *all* their users. So it seems more exclusive than just the top half of the user base. And how exactly is it measured? I rarely get contacted via QuickMatch or Quiver, so I don't know where they get their figures, and OkCupid is secretive about how they work their magic.
I haven't noticed a difference in my matches, Women blow me off too sometimes. Whatever. I just move on to someone else. In less than 28 years, I'm sure I'll find someone. ;-)
also - once upon a time, okc allowed you to directly rate on a 1-4 or 5 star scale, physical attractiveness.
ReplyDeletethis seems to be gone now after one of their multiple revampings. i find it funny that they've released this ploy after removing the 'feature'.
Actually, matching users by attractiveness is smart. Even before online dating, people tended to seek out, form, and maintain relationships with other people whose level of attractiveness was similar to their own (look up "the matching hypothesis"). By funneling users toward other users with similar levels of attractiveness, OKC is merely facilitating and expediting this process, helping you find Mr./Ms. Right that much more quickly. As a dating website, it would be irresponsible of them not to match users by attractiveness.
ReplyDeleteReally, OKC's error here was the indelicate way they announced this policy. Rather then insult a sizable number of their customers by publicly identifying them as ugly, they would have done better to just announce that they would start matching users by attractiveness, and then leave it to us to wonder which camp we fall into.
congrats, girlaboutchitown, i think this is the highest number of comments any post on this blog has received!
ReplyDeleteneither i nor the boy are apparently one of the hotties. bummer.
I really question the concept of matching people according to attractiveness. First off, based on the comments here, the system for determining attractiveness seems arbitrary and inaccurate.
ReplyDeleteAttractiveness is incredibly subjective, apart from the "conventionally attractive" archetype we see w/ starlets and models, which not everyone is into. There is a lot of grey area- folks like Iggy Pop, Edward James Olmos, Frances McDormand and Peaches to name a few- are not conventionally sexy yet still "attractive" to many.
In terms of my own personal dating history, I've dated people who were conventionally attractive, conventionally unattractive and a broad spectrum along the middle. I've seen super conventionally attractive people date plain people, and vice versa. I get enough dates to know that I'm hot, but at the same time I have no delusions of looking like Angelina Jolie, nor do I want to.
If there was a criteria that I'd want applied to my matches its this- weed out the people who don't post pics (or only one pic), the folks who dont fill out their profiles properly, the people who dont actually read profiles and waste the time of serious users by trolling for sex. I think it's better to have fewer restrictions with dating sites (the restrictions for springstreet and eharmony feel borderline oppressive), but there's too much dross clogging up the tubes, so to speak.
I also like the idea of users "tagging" their profile with a handful of self-identifying traits (such as with the new my best picture feature) and then being able to use these tags as criteria for searches. (You can tag words w/in your existent profile currently, but I think it would be better if you could check off "artsy" or "athletic" along with the age range and so forth).
Anyway, done rambling for now. In short: I don't think they have the science to back up this new feature. End of story.
I have not joined OKCupid, but the mention of a "Quiver" makes me laugh a little bit, is this similar to a "Wink" or a "Rose" sort of deal?
ReplyDeleteI've heard of the "Beautiful People" site and I can only think of how self absorbed a person would have to be to even try joining that site??
I am a guy on okcupid, and I made a profile and got this email
ReplyDeletethen i made a brand new on, same pictures and stuff, but never got it..
Any thoughts?