So much for that promise to update the blog more regularly, huh? Let's just say that uprooting your entire life and moving around the country is a bit more daunting than one might imagine. But no time for excuses, because I've got some hate to share with y'all. But because of my tendancy to get long-winded, I'm gonna break it down into a couple of posts.
In the world of sex-positive blogging and podcasting, the "Sex is Fun" podcast is one of the best-known. It's also a podcast that I should like, because in theory it's a group of diverse, knowledgeable "sex educators" (more on that later) talking about sex, open relationships, toys, health, and all that important stuff, with an inclusive, queer-friendly take on things. On the surface, it sounds great. And certainly it has been, and there have been many episodes I've enjoyed.
The problem is that the creator and main host of the podcast, a guy who goes by the disturbingly awful moniker "Kidder Kaper" is a creepy, douchey narcissist. And I'm only being half-insulting here. In a particularly apt display of self-awareness, Kidder does in fact identify himself frequently as a narcissist. Which is good. Because he is. The problem is he's quite proud of this, and is happy, lately, to let the podcast revolve around him.
But I don't want this to be all entire petty haterade, so let's give credit where credit is due. Kidder is a straight married white guy in his late 30's, who is pretty knowledgeable about sex. He's a big proponent of anal pleasure for men, which is rare and cool enough to be worth noting. Even more surprising is that lately he's become something of a proponent for greater acceptance of male bisexuality - in the swinging scene, in porn, just in general. Good for him. Have I said enough nice things about him yet?
Kidder describes himself as a "sex educator" although as far as I can tell, he defines "education" as being a sex podcaster who has written a sex manual. He has no academic credentials or certifications to back up this title. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but when it comes to something as serious as educating about sex, I think the resume should be a little more padded. He apparently got into the business by writing sex games. Seriously. The whole "Sex is Fun" podcast is tied in directly with a line of sex games.
Luckily there are co-hosts, including "Gay Rick" who is an actual HIV/AIDS educator, and LauraRad who also has an actual professional background in sex education and is one of the more thoughtful members of the team. "Coochie" is the sound engineer but also chimes in, as does "Lorax" who handles the web aspect of things and also is Kidder's bff/a girl he wants to fuck.
The problem with the podcast can really be boiled down to Kidder, who has a habit of making himself the focus of everything. Even when interviewing sex-positive superstars like Tristian Taramino, he still manages to turn the focus back on the important part: Kidder. He's made entire episodes that are simply anecdotes about parties - not sex parties, mind you, just normal parties. Oh, he's also a douche on the forums. Let me share some of Kidder's wisdom with you.
On homebirthing:
"Who really cares if people choose to give birth at home? There are too many people on the planet anyway. I guess as long as they don't want society to pay for their oxygen deprived (special in a bad way) children, I say go for it. I really don't care if they have the proper training OR they just have a doula."
On dudes threatened by their partner's masturbation:
"Whenever a partner is jealous, regardless of why, it is usually a good idea to identify what you are doing to make them feel unspecial. If they feel as though your masturbation is leaving them high and dry, it seems reasonable for you to prove to them that it doesn't, in-fact you could even show them how much better your sex is because you masturbate."
Or their partner might just be a dick who can't deal with women getting off without them.
On Kidder the Caveman:
"I've found that fighting who I am is only moderately successful and destroys all that which makes me, me. A long time ago, the tribe needed my kind, to stay awake, keep the fire burning and protect us all from predators that attacked in the night. Even more important than our nocturnal sentinel abilities was our imagination, that was given free range range free in the wee hours of the night. So as important as dreams are, they pale in comparison to ideas."
This might seem unfair out of context. But it made no sense in context either.
On boycotting a sex resort for not allowing queer men:
"Boycotting them now isn't boycotting Desire at all. It is boycotting us. Continue as you wish but know that if we fail to get a good showing, you are hurting us and our goal to make them realize that we are a force to be reckoned with...So do what you will, but know that we're the ones holding the bill at the end of the day when this trip fails."
On charges the podcast focuses on him too much:
"It would be incredibly stupid to call the show the "Kidder Caper Show" especially because my name is Kidder Kaper you illiterate twat. I will always rant about religion and I will say whatever the FUCK I wish about tattoos whenever the FUCK I feel like saying it. "Tats are dumb!" See I just did it again."
He really dislikes tattos and body piercings I guess? But I'm glad he clarified the spelling of his fake last name.
On pussies:
"Laura Rad and Gay Rick are significantly better educators than I am, especially if the students are big pussies. (If you got offended by the word "pussies" in the last sentence, you are definitely in the "pussy camp") Me, I'm better at dealing with big boys and girls that can take the truth without a bunch of sugar to help make the truth more tasty."
On his wife's sexual shortcomings:
"She also has trouble giving me head for very long without experiencing jaw pain and is quite selfish when it comes to letting me play with her ass. The things that she offers me for putting up with these minor annoyances are FUCKING IMMEASURABLE, so much that I feel like a complete douchebag for even contemplating complaining that I don't get to pump ball juice her in the ass as often as I may like."
Despite the supposedly romantic spirit of this quote, calling his wife "selfish" because he can't fuck her ass all the time is a dick move. Also: ball juice?
On "Pedal-Stools":
"I think it is a terrible loss to the American consciousness that we raise people on pedal-stools that have done absolutely nothing to deserve even a mention in the freaking classifieds, while others who are actually doing amazing things for humanity are rarely getting any mention in the popular press."
I'm just being petty now, but I cannot get over "pedal-stools."
Hopefully these hilarious quotes from the master of sex education (in the same way that I, by having a blog about sex and thinking about sex, am also a "sex educator") have given you some insight into the irritating showboat that is Kidder Kaper (thank god I know how to spell that!) This is really just a set up for part 2: When Kidder, open relationship expert, finds himself deeply threatened by the dreaded "full swap" and uses his podcast to bully his wife. Or we can just call it an educational series in how not to do open relationships. Because I'm an educator!
5/24/11
Slutwalk Chicago DIY Poster Contest: Yr Doing It Wrong
(This article also appears on School for Scandal)
So, I'm pretty stoked about SlutWalk Chicago.
For the uninitiated, Slutwalk is an international feminist movement that began in Toronto, that promotes dissolution of "Rape Culture" by emphasizing that men should be taught NOT TO RAPE instead of all the emphasis on teaching women how to "protect themselves from rapists" with advice ranging from don't wear a ponytail, don't go out alone at night, and most horrifying "don't dress like a slut," the comment that sparked the movement in the first place.
This sort of mindset teaches women to view themselves as "victims waiting to happen" (reminds me of that horrible "potentially pregnant" fracas a few years ago.) I think that self defense education for women is important, but so is anti-rape education for EVERYONE.
All around awesome chick Diamanda Galas once said something along the lines of "Women need to stop thinking like prey and starting thinking like predators," and I think that's what SlutWalk is all about. Driving home the point that even if you're walking down the street in a G string and lucite heels, it doesn't mean you "deserve" to be raped. Nobody should be blamed for their sexual assault. Our culture needs to shift in a way that rape is never considered ok, and that there is more support and less victim blaming and stigmatization of survivors.
The following is a list of things that SlutWalk aren't about (to my understanding):
1. Reclaiming "slut" as a positive label or celebrating "slut pride"
2. Dressing/acting "slutty" in public Girls Gone Wild style (participants are encouraged to wear whatever they feel comfortable in, whether that's a mini skirt or sweatpants)
3. Speaking out against labeling women as sluts. (Well, this one is a gray area because of #1. I think this movement is very anti-slut shaming but not necessarily dismissive of positive sluthood and general sex positivity. But people are still wildly divided on whether or not being called slut is a good thing, and I don't think SlutWalk is intended as a debate on the validity of the slut label.)
None of the above are necessarily bad things and possibly incidental to this event, but I don't think they should be the emphasized in promoting this event. I think a lot of people misunderstand the purpose of this event because "slut" is such a loaded word. That's why I'm a little perturbed by the results of the SlutWalk DIY Poster Contest.
I feel bad picking apart the entries, because to be fair, I DIDN'T enter a design. And it's unfair for me to criticize the works of people who did, because they took the time and effort and put themselves out there, but I do feel like I need to speak out when images seem inappropriate/problematic to the aims of a movement I am a part of. I realize this is my subjective opinion, and if you want to argue WHY you think these posters are great, be my guest as long as you are willing keep dialogue open and respectful.
I will not be reposting images here, but you can click here to see them. I like the idea of a DIY poster contest instead of hiring an ad firm, but I am sad to say that I feel like the majority of these posters miss the point of SlutWalk entirely, and some are just flat out creepy to me.
Of the ten submissions, six feature sexualized images of women's bodies where you cannot see her face. With one exception, they are pictures of extremely thin "conventionally attractive" white women. Four are of women with their lingerie-clad asses in sexually available positions, two ONLY show the ass and no other part of the woman, with catchy taglines like "I think you're sexy but I don't want to rape you," and "Slut Yeah Fuck Yeah." I might be ok with pictures of a sexy REAL people where you could see faces as well as bodies, but these pictures appear to be lifted from mainstream advertising/pornography and I suspect that other people might find them alienating/triggering as well.
I am saying all this as sex positive feminist who loves porn, lingerie, and copious fucking. I don't currently identify as a slut, but I have in the past. I probably will wear something sexy to Slut Walk, because I enjoy dressing up. All this said, these posters leave a bad taste in my mouth. This imagery might make *some* sense if the event was actually focused on "slut pride" instead of rape prevention, but instead I see a feminist movement getting the American Apparel treatment, and it bugs me.
The other side of the coin is a poster that says "Don't call me a slut/other perjorative implying promiscuity" (which flies in the face of the women who do self-identify as sluts, and I don't believe SlutWalk strives to takes a hard stance either way.) Another poster features yet another headless woman in a demure, girlish powder blue dress clutching daisies (it's objectification of a different flavor) with the catchphrase: "Virgin or Slut? Love Who You Are." I understand the positive message that the slogan is trying to convey, but it falls down the Madonna/Whore rabbit hole all over again. Many of us fall outside of that limited dichotomy altogether.
This is about the only poster that I feel accurately represents SlutWalk, so it got my vote. I confess I am let down by the way entrants chose to interpret the meaning of SlutWalk (especially since the movement has been so distorted by the media already) and I hope the winning entry will accurately reflect a movement of women who don't necessarily wish to be labeled in black and white as hyper-sexualized "sluts" or sex-negative "prudes", but complex human beings committed to creating a culture without rape.
So, I'm pretty stoked about SlutWalk Chicago.
For the uninitiated, Slutwalk is an international feminist movement that began in Toronto, that promotes dissolution of "Rape Culture" by emphasizing that men should be taught NOT TO RAPE instead of all the emphasis on teaching women how to "protect themselves from rapists" with advice ranging from don't wear a ponytail, don't go out alone at night, and most horrifying "don't dress like a slut," the comment that sparked the movement in the first place.
This sort of mindset teaches women to view themselves as "victims waiting to happen" (reminds me of that horrible "potentially pregnant" fracas a few years ago.) I think that self defense education for women is important, but so is anti-rape education for EVERYONE.
All around awesome chick Diamanda Galas once said something along the lines of "Women need to stop thinking like prey and starting thinking like predators," and I think that's what SlutWalk is all about. Driving home the point that even if you're walking down the street in a G string and lucite heels, it doesn't mean you "deserve" to be raped. Nobody should be blamed for their sexual assault. Our culture needs to shift in a way that rape is never considered ok, and that there is more support and less victim blaming and stigmatization of survivors.
The following is a list of things that SlutWalk aren't about (to my understanding):
1. Reclaiming "slut" as a positive label or celebrating "slut pride"
2. Dressing/acting "slutty" in public Girls Gone Wild style (participants are encouraged to wear whatever they feel comfortable in, whether that's a mini skirt or sweatpants)
3. Speaking out against labeling women as sluts. (Well, this one is a gray area because of #1. I think this movement is very anti-slut shaming but not necessarily dismissive of positive sluthood and general sex positivity. But people are still wildly divided on whether or not being called slut is a good thing, and I don't think SlutWalk is intended as a debate on the validity of the slut label.)
None of the above are necessarily bad things and possibly incidental to this event, but I don't think they should be the emphasized in promoting this event. I think a lot of people misunderstand the purpose of this event because "slut" is such a loaded word. That's why I'm a little perturbed by the results of the SlutWalk DIY Poster Contest.
I feel bad picking apart the entries, because to be fair, I DIDN'T enter a design. And it's unfair for me to criticize the works of people who did, because they took the time and effort and put themselves out there, but I do feel like I need to speak out when images seem inappropriate/problematic to the aims of a movement I am a part of. I realize this is my subjective opinion, and if you want to argue WHY you think these posters are great, be my guest as long as you are willing keep dialogue open and respectful.
I will not be reposting images here, but you can click here to see them. I like the idea of a DIY poster contest instead of hiring an ad firm, but I am sad to say that I feel like the majority of these posters miss the point of SlutWalk entirely, and some are just flat out creepy to me.
Of the ten submissions, six feature sexualized images of women's bodies where you cannot see her face. With one exception, they are pictures of extremely thin "conventionally attractive" white women. Four are of women with their lingerie-clad asses in sexually available positions, two ONLY show the ass and no other part of the woman, with catchy taglines like "I think you're sexy but I don't want to rape you," and "Slut Yeah Fuck Yeah." I might be ok with pictures of a sexy REAL people where you could see faces as well as bodies, but these pictures appear to be lifted from mainstream advertising/pornography and I suspect that other people might find them alienating/triggering as well.
I am saying all this as sex positive feminist who loves porn, lingerie, and copious fucking. I don't currently identify as a slut, but I have in the past. I probably will wear something sexy to Slut Walk, because I enjoy dressing up. All this said, these posters leave a bad taste in my mouth. This imagery might make *some* sense if the event was actually focused on "slut pride" instead of rape prevention, but instead I see a feminist movement getting the American Apparel treatment, and it bugs me.
The other side of the coin is a poster that says "Don't call me a slut/other perjorative implying promiscuity" (which flies in the face of the women who do self-identify as sluts, and I don't believe SlutWalk strives to takes a hard stance either way.) Another poster features yet another headless woman in a demure, girlish powder blue dress clutching daisies (it's objectification of a different flavor) with the catchphrase: "Virgin or Slut? Love Who You Are." I understand the positive message that the slogan is trying to convey, but it falls down the Madonna/Whore rabbit hole all over again. Many of us fall outside of that limited dichotomy altogether.
This is about the only poster that I feel accurately represents SlutWalk, so it got my vote. I confess I am let down by the way entrants chose to interpret the meaning of SlutWalk (especially since the movement has been so distorted by the media already) and I hope the winning entry will accurately reflect a movement of women who don't necessarily wish to be labeled in black and white as hyper-sexualized "sluts" or sex-negative "prudes", but complex human beings committed to creating a culture without rape.
5/3/11
Queer Enough
(X-posted from School For Scandal)
I am queer. I am a “biologic
al” woman who likes to fuck men.
I am genderqueer. I have a vagina and like to wear dresses.
Confused? I will try to explain, though most of the time it’s easier not to.
Invisible queerness. Invisible transgender. Passing privileges- but exactly who and what am I passing as? People tend to assume I am a lesbian by my short hair and swagger. They looked at me like I’m a dirty tissue when I say, no, I mostly sleep with men. Soiled in their eyes. Un-queered. So much for queer as an inclusive “umbrella” term.
I’ve had sex with women, and I probably will again. But it’s not lesbians that identify with, as much as I love them as friends. It’s gay men. Gay men, I understand like none other. They understand me. And I can’t help but be attracted to them, even if I don’t act on my desires. Instead, I find the men, who, like me, are queer but like to sleep with women. Men who prefer anal sex and fisting to straight intercourse, men who wear eyeliner and skirts, men who sit down to pee because they don’t give a damn about being perceived as being “manly enough.” Men who have been called “faggot” their whole lives for refusing to conform, when ironically, they love women.
And we exist, queerly heterosexual, guy dykes and girl fags in love.
I am a femme androgyne, a fagette, masculine in short hair and muscles, feminine in lipstick and heels. I am man and woman as one, and I refuse to pick a side. I love having big breasts and rocking a 10” strap on at the same time.
My man- self is a femme faggot. Johnny Weir ice dancing to Lady Gaga in roses and sequins. Oscar Wilde, a sissy genius in lavender silk with a poison pen.
My woman- self is a lusty warrior. Grace Jones in a James Bond film, power-lifting a full-grown man over her head in haute couture and heels. French novelist, burlesque dancer and body builder Colette, dressed in a 19th century men’s suit.
I am queer. I am genderqueer. I am femme.
And if you can’t wrap your brain around that, well, I wasn’t planning on sleeping with you anyway.
2/22/11
We're Back! And We're All About Hating!
I know this blog has been all fits and starts, and just as we were getting readership, we'd up and stop posting. For months. Or half a year. Sorry! A lot has happened - as in your two founders are now living in an entirely different country and it's very confusing and weird and we have been to some degree concerned about our anonymity due to some very real mitigating factors that made us wonder if we should even continue this, our beloved blog.
But it's like, I logged in and one of the people I'd most love to be an Internet nemesis with, Joreth, had gone and responded to stuff I posted back in April! Don't I feel fancy! And also, Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed and you can bet we have some feelings about that. Also: Marriage! Has it ruined any remnants of queer cred and/or a sex life we once had? Probably but you'll have to stay tuned to find out! Plus: Republicans are trying to oppress women! And being stuck as I am in a hotel room in a strange country, I have been engaging with the feminist blogosphere once again, which means new hatreds!
IN A NUTSHELL: SHIT. IT WILL BE WRITTEN.
But it's like, I logged in and one of the people I'd most love to be an Internet nemesis with, Joreth, had gone and responded to stuff I posted back in April! Don't I feel fancy! And also, Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed and you can bet we have some feelings about that. Also: Marriage! Has it ruined any remnants of queer cred and/or a sex life we once had? Probably but you'll have to stay tuned to find out! Plus: Republicans are trying to oppress women! And being stuck as I am in a hotel room in a strange country, I have been engaging with the feminist blogosphere once again, which means new hatreds!
IN A NUTSHELL: SHIT. IT WILL BE WRITTEN.
11/22/10
Don't Tell
Less than ten minutes ago I awoke from a vivid dream. I was a young sailor again. Rather than dreaming of big adventure, my mind took me to the experience of showing a new shipmate around and trying to show him the ropes. In the dream, as so many times in real life, that queer Spidey sense was tingling. I knew and I thought he knew each others secret. It was a quiet understanding that neither of us could voice. We had just met and already there was an old secret between us. Our understanding was restricted to glances and the sense one acquires over time about these things.
That is the day to day anxiety and pain of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Someone across from you, knowing your frustration and anger, but neither one can breathe a word. Being queer can be very isolating, but it's so much more so in the presence of other queer people but bound to say nothing.
DADT gets talked about in terms of straight people having to serve along side queers, but nothing is said of queers serving along side each other. It is a stifling loneliness that breeds sadness and desperation. It is being alone in a crowd.
That is the day to day anxiety and pain of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Someone across from you, knowing your frustration and anger, but neither one can breathe a word. Being queer can be very isolating, but it's so much more so in the presence of other queer people but bound to say nothing.
DADT gets talked about in terms of straight people having to serve along side queers, but nothing is said of queers serving along side each other. It is a stifling loneliness that breeds sadness and desperation. It is being alone in a crowd.
10/12/10
Asexuals are queer if they want to be
I say let them in, and they'll soon wonder why they ever wanted to be part of a movement that includes white gay men. Oh snap!
9/15/10
Kink or Abuse? It's complicated.
I've had an idea percolating in my head for a while about the issue of abuse within the kink community, and how difficult it is to discern it and call it out. We all know that a lot of what we do consensually for fun in kink would be abuse in a non-consensual context. We also know that abusers can and do hide out in the kink community as a cover for their shady behavior, although ideally they will be recognized and called out for it. (And the truth is, abusers are potentially present in EVERY community). But there is a certain level where people are afraid of saying "your kink is not okay" (and for very valid reasons). It is sometimes hard to judge from a distance whether or not someone's kink is abusive or not, and usually not your business to judge, unless you're a dungeon monitor at a party.
I do have a few things I view as abuse that are considered controversial- beastiality for one, or feeding someone until they're so obese that they can no longer be physically independent. I don't believe that anyone who consents to play that deliberately results in broken bones or damaged organs is really psychologically sound to give consent. Yes, I get that it's their body and they can ask somebody skewer their kidney if they want to. I still maintain that it's a REALLY FUCKING BAD IDEA!
Interestingly, as I was pondering the issue of thinly veiled abuse within my own community, I ran across this article, about an allegedly non-consensual "sex slave" who was tortured and abused by her "master" within the context of the BD/SM community. Without making light of this woman's abuse, I find this kind of titillating journalism both insulting to the victim and incredibly problematic in terms of increasing kink acceptance and awareness. I really wish it was framed more as a case of abuse, rather than "kinky" abuse. Consider the not-so-different kidnapping and abuse case of Elizabeth Smart. Would anyone have considered it acceptable or respectful to use nude photos of her to illustrate reporting on her case, the way they have with the Ed Bagley case? Does the fact that Brian David Mitchell is a FLDS religious wingnut instead of an abusive dominant somehow reflect poorly on the mainstream LDS community at large? (And it's likely that as much, if not more abuse happens in religious communities than within the kink community).
If the allegations against Ed Bagley are true, then he deserves to be locked away for life. But I do have a very real problem with the implication that kinky=abuser in the context of this case. A member of my local community lost her job after becoming a leather titleholder and being outed. What's worse is people who are involved in legitimate, consensual kinky practices are targeted by the law and wind up losing not only their jobs and reputations, but have their children taken away or are committed or imprisoned under misleading charges. (To be clear, I am not implying that this is the case with Ed Bagley.)
So, abuse and kink. It's messy from the inside the community, and it's even messier from the outside looking in. So what the hell do we do about it?
I do have a few things I view as abuse that are considered controversial- beastiality for one, or feeding someone until they're so obese that they can no longer be physically independent. I don't believe that anyone who consents to play that deliberately results in broken bones or damaged organs is really psychologically sound to give consent. Yes, I get that it's their body and they can ask somebody skewer their kidney if they want to. I still maintain that it's a REALLY FUCKING BAD IDEA!
Interestingly, as I was pondering the issue of thinly veiled abuse within my own community, I ran across this article, about an allegedly non-consensual "sex slave" who was tortured and abused by her "master" within the context of the BD/SM community. Without making light of this woman's abuse, I find this kind of titillating journalism both insulting to the victim and incredibly problematic in terms of increasing kink acceptance and awareness. I really wish it was framed more as a case of abuse, rather than "kinky" abuse. Consider the not-so-different kidnapping and abuse case of Elizabeth Smart. Would anyone have considered it acceptable or respectful to use nude photos of her to illustrate reporting on her case, the way they have with the Ed Bagley case? Does the fact that Brian David Mitchell is a FLDS religious wingnut instead of an abusive dominant somehow reflect poorly on the mainstream LDS community at large? (And it's likely that as much, if not more abuse happens in religious communities than within the kink community).
If the allegations against Ed Bagley are true, then he deserves to be locked away for life. But I do have a very real problem with the implication that kinky=abuser in the context of this case. A member of my local community lost her job after becoming a leather titleholder and being outed. What's worse is people who are involved in legitimate, consensual kinky practices are targeted by the law and wind up losing not only their jobs and reputations, but have their children taken away or are committed or imprisoned under misleading charges. (To be clear, I am not implying that this is the case with Ed Bagley.)
So, abuse and kink. It's messy from the inside the community, and it's even messier from the outside looking in. So what the hell do we do about it?
8/10/10
Fetlife is the reason I can't have nice things.
Yo, it's been a while since I've posted. Big changes around these parts, and I've been busy moving house (twice, don't ask), restructuring my relationship, sending my novel to agents, and vanilla blogging for pay. Life happens!
However, today I have rants. Yes I do.
Fetlife, for the uninitiated is like Facebook for perverts. It's facebook with no fucking superego. You think Facebook status updates are TMI? Wait until you find out that someone you once hooked up with is in the Bestiality forums looking for a Great Dane for fun times. And for all the hawt 'n sexy gonzo porn people post, there's also castration pics and various stuff that you wish you NEVER FUCKING SAW and will never get out of your mind again.
Kinky people are by nature, drama queens. Hence there is a lot of wank on Fetlife, and I try to keep my presence on there to a minimum so I don't claw my eyes out. Hence, I share with you some of my biggest fucking pet peeves:
1. Trophy pics
I used to take/distribute nude photos in my early twenties. A lot of this had to do with losing a bunch of weight, buying my first digital camera, being young and sort of naive, and living in a place where I didn't have a lot of dating options, so I got a lot of my jollies by swapping dirty pics with strangers. I've also been in several relationships with "artists" where creative nude or semi nude pics and video were taken with artistic intent- and in one case, used to try slut shame me by a mentally disturbed ex, who posted them to facebook.
Here's the thing- I am comfortable with my body, being nude, and being seen nude. I am not comfortable with third parties exploiting that for their own ends.
A lot of wannabe playboys on Fetlifes post scores of pictures of their conquests- explicit and often humiliating (and potentially life destroying, considering that Fetlife has extremely lax privacy settings) pictures of women they've fucked. If these women have given their explicit consent to post these pictures, that's they're business. I suspect, a lot of the time, they haven't, and that's just creepy and gross, and a violation.
Hence, I don't share my nude pics anymore, and I don't post nude pics to Fetlife. Not worth the risk.
2. The castigation of young male dominants
The BDSM scene has a disturbing amount in common with Fundamentalist Mormonism in a particular regard- many older male dominants feel entitled to a stable of young, nubile subs, and make a practice of alienating and humiliating younger male dominants, rather than mentoring and supporting them. It's classic jockeying for alpha male status- the younger men present a threat to their privilege, so they virtually stomp on them in forums, or spread rumors about them in the scene instead of presenting direct feedback.
The usual arguments given are that young (typically anyone under the age of 30) Doms are never experienced enough, they lack introspection, they're only looking to get laid, they don't understand the rules of the scene, yadda yadda etc. and therefore do not have the right to call themselves dominants. You know what? I've met plenty of men in their 30s, 40s and 50s who also have these problems. And for some reason, these arguments don't apply to the 18 year old subs these older dominants favor, or the young female pro-dommes who frequently trade on their youth and looks as much as their topping skills to attract clients.
One of the hands-down best Doms I've ever played with, and whom I am still friends with to this day, is only 24 years old. He was twenty one (and I was twenty seven) when we were dating. His play was hot, inventive, safe, sane, and not bogged down by a lot of protocol and bullshit. The idea that it is automatically "safer" to play with an older Dom needs to be called out for the bullshit that it is, and people should evaluate who they play with on a case-by-case basis.
3. The stigmatization of monogamy
For some reason, it seems that within the kinky and queer scenes, monogamy has fallen out of fashion. I suspect a lot of folks spent their formative years in dysfunctional monogamous relationships and have idealized polyamory beyond what is necessarily realistic. Being raised in a progressive city, I had the inverse experience of having many early dysfunctional poly experiences and coming to the conclusion that it's no longer a style that works for me. I am hardly a traditional monogamist- I have no problem with my partner viewing porn or flirting, playing publicly with a partner, or even playing with others within clearly defined boundaries after a relationship has been deeply established, but the idea of dating free-for-all and multiple emotional entanglements does not appeal to me at this point. And for that, I am told I am somehow not emotionally evolved, despite the fact that I have been through all kinds of experiences. That my desire to form a deep bond with one individual instead of hopping from honeymoon period to honeymoon period and spreading myself across several people makes me somehow jealous and possessive. I know myself well enough to understand that a monogamous relationship with a vanilla person would never in a million years wouldn't work for me, and there is something of an assumption that if you want monogamy in a kinky context, you want to be in some sort of codependent 24/7 power exchange situation. Is it possible to desire a monogamous relationship with a man, as a woman, but still be kinky and queer identified? It's amazing how narrow minded unconventional people can be.
And if I have to hear one more argument about evolutionary biology that monogamy is inherently doomed, I will cut a bitch.
4. Vultures
This is a more specific complaint about Facebook, though it has a degree of gravity on Fetlife as well.
Ok, I will say up front- I am sure there are male vultures as well, but as I am a mostly straight female, I wouldn't know. The vultures I have dealt with have been by and large young, insecure women.
The Vulture's express purpose in life is to try to sabotage your budding monogamous relationship with someone new, and to come around and scavenge your relationship carrion post-breakup. Sometimes they're your partners ex, sometimes they're a person who wasn't interested in dating your partner until competition presented itself, sometimes it's a "friend" that your partner isn't interested in dating and feels bitter as a result. It's icky and I don't know why these individuals choose to prey on other people's relationships instead of ya know, finding their own. The vulture existed prior to social networking sites, but Facebook has made their shady M.O. a whole lot easier.
Classic vulture tactics? Posting old pictures of themselves with your partner and tagging them to make it look like they have "something going on." Constant, thinly veiled "harmless" but creepy flirtatious comments left on your partner's wall. In a recent relationship I basically stopped looking at my partner's wall altogether because the vulture infestation was so bad, and he was unwilling to acknowledge why this creepy shit made me uncomfortable, dismissing it as jealousy (and to be fair, a lot of people like this attention and are unwilling to set clear boundaries). The only problem is, sometimes the exact same shit happens when you're been legitimately cheated on and lied to, and being told it's "jealousy" is a diversion tactic.
One girl in particular felt the need to personally comment on anything I wrote on my partner's wall, as if we were involved in some non-consensual facebook threeway. The vulture's goal is to plant seeds of doubt in the hopes of breaking you up. It's shitty and unethical. Would you walk up to someone in a monogamous relationship and openly hit on them in front of their partner?
Facebook is basically poison for relationships and it's entirely likely that I will choose NOT to be facebook friends with future partners for this very reason. Who needs this drama?
The moral of this story? I should spend less time on the internet.
However, today I have rants. Yes I do.
Fetlife, for the uninitiated is like Facebook for perverts. It's facebook with no fucking superego. You think Facebook status updates are TMI? Wait until you find out that someone you once hooked up with is in the Bestiality forums looking for a Great Dane for fun times. And for all the hawt 'n sexy gonzo porn people post, there's also castration pics and various stuff that you wish you NEVER FUCKING SAW and will never get out of your mind again.
Kinky people are by nature, drama queens. Hence there is a lot of wank on Fetlife, and I try to keep my presence on there to a minimum so I don't claw my eyes out. Hence, I share with you some of my biggest fucking pet peeves:
1. Trophy pics
I used to take/distribute nude photos in my early twenties. A lot of this had to do with losing a bunch of weight, buying my first digital camera, being young and sort of naive, and living in a place where I didn't have a lot of dating options, so I got a lot of my jollies by swapping dirty pics with strangers. I've also been in several relationships with "artists" where creative nude or semi nude pics and video were taken with artistic intent- and in one case, used to try slut shame me by a mentally disturbed ex, who posted them to facebook.
Here's the thing- I am comfortable with my body, being nude, and being seen nude. I am not comfortable with third parties exploiting that for their own ends.
A lot of wannabe playboys on Fetlifes post scores of pictures of their conquests- explicit and often humiliating (and potentially life destroying, considering that Fetlife has extremely lax privacy settings) pictures of women they've fucked. If these women have given their explicit consent to post these pictures, that's they're business. I suspect, a lot of the time, they haven't, and that's just creepy and gross, and a violation.
Hence, I don't share my nude pics anymore, and I don't post nude pics to Fetlife. Not worth the risk.
2. The castigation of young male dominants
The BDSM scene has a disturbing amount in common with Fundamentalist Mormonism in a particular regard- many older male dominants feel entitled to a stable of young, nubile subs, and make a practice of alienating and humiliating younger male dominants, rather than mentoring and supporting them. It's classic jockeying for alpha male status- the younger men present a threat to their privilege, so they virtually stomp on them in forums, or spread rumors about them in the scene instead of presenting direct feedback.
The usual arguments given are that young (typically anyone under the age of 30) Doms are never experienced enough, they lack introspection, they're only looking to get laid, they don't understand the rules of the scene, yadda yadda etc. and therefore do not have the right to call themselves dominants. You know what? I've met plenty of men in their 30s, 40s and 50s who also have these problems. And for some reason, these arguments don't apply to the 18 year old subs these older dominants favor, or the young female pro-dommes who frequently trade on their youth and looks as much as their topping skills to attract clients.
One of the hands-down best Doms I've ever played with, and whom I am still friends with to this day, is only 24 years old. He was twenty one (and I was twenty seven) when we were dating. His play was hot, inventive, safe, sane, and not bogged down by a lot of protocol and bullshit. The idea that it is automatically "safer" to play with an older Dom needs to be called out for the bullshit that it is, and people should evaluate who they play with on a case-by-case basis.
3. The stigmatization of monogamy
For some reason, it seems that within the kinky and queer scenes, monogamy has fallen out of fashion. I suspect a lot of folks spent their formative years in dysfunctional monogamous relationships and have idealized polyamory beyond what is necessarily realistic. Being raised in a progressive city, I had the inverse experience of having many early dysfunctional poly experiences and coming to the conclusion that it's no longer a style that works for me. I am hardly a traditional monogamist- I have no problem with my partner viewing porn or flirting, playing publicly with a partner, or even playing with others within clearly defined boundaries after a relationship has been deeply established, but the idea of dating free-for-all and multiple emotional entanglements does not appeal to me at this point. And for that, I am told I am somehow not emotionally evolved, despite the fact that I have been through all kinds of experiences. That my desire to form a deep bond with one individual instead of hopping from honeymoon period to honeymoon period and spreading myself across several people makes me somehow jealous and possessive. I know myself well enough to understand that a monogamous relationship with a vanilla person would never in a million years wouldn't work for me, and there is something of an assumption that if you want monogamy in a kinky context, you want to be in some sort of codependent 24/7 power exchange situation. Is it possible to desire a monogamous relationship with a man, as a woman, but still be kinky and queer identified? It's amazing how narrow minded unconventional people can be.
And if I have to hear one more argument about evolutionary biology that monogamy is inherently doomed, I will cut a bitch.
4. Vultures
This is a more specific complaint about Facebook, though it has a degree of gravity on Fetlife as well.
Ok, I will say up front- I am sure there are male vultures as well, but as I am a mostly straight female, I wouldn't know. The vultures I have dealt with have been by and large young, insecure women.
The Vulture's express purpose in life is to try to sabotage your budding monogamous relationship with someone new, and to come around and scavenge your relationship carrion post-breakup. Sometimes they're your partners ex, sometimes they're a person who wasn't interested in dating your partner until competition presented itself, sometimes it's a "friend" that your partner isn't interested in dating and feels bitter as a result. It's icky and I don't know why these individuals choose to prey on other people's relationships instead of ya know, finding their own. The vulture existed prior to social networking sites, but Facebook has made their shady M.O. a whole lot easier.
Classic vulture tactics? Posting old pictures of themselves with your partner and tagging them to make it look like they have "something going on." Constant, thinly veiled "harmless" but creepy flirtatious comments left on your partner's wall. In a recent relationship I basically stopped looking at my partner's wall altogether because the vulture infestation was so bad, and he was unwilling to acknowledge why this creepy shit made me uncomfortable, dismissing it as jealousy (and to be fair, a lot of people like this attention and are unwilling to set clear boundaries). The only problem is, sometimes the exact same shit happens when you're been legitimately cheated on and lied to, and being told it's "jealousy" is a diversion tactic.
One girl in particular felt the need to personally comment on anything I wrote on my partner's wall, as if we were involved in some non-consensual facebook threeway. The vulture's goal is to plant seeds of doubt in the hopes of breaking you up. It's shitty and unethical. Would you walk up to someone in a monogamous relationship and openly hit on them in front of their partner?
Facebook is basically poison for relationships and it's entirely likely that I will choose NOT to be facebook friends with future partners for this very reason. Who needs this drama?
The moral of this story? I should spend less time on the internet.
8/5/10
Prop 8 - Finally Some Good News
As most have no doubt heard, U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker has ruled against California's Proposition 8 in a move that no doubt had Rachel Maddow stirring up more than a few cocktails. For anyone who has not read his decision, it's interesting, but long. For those short on time, Slate's Dahlia Lithwick has an excellent write-up.
From here, it's on to the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. Given the reputation of the 9th, Judge Walker's carefully crafted ruling, and the complete clusterfuck that was the pro-Prop 8 team's case, its hard to imagine that the 9th Circuit won't uphold Walker's ruling, opening the door for the case to head to the Supreme Court.
While the 9th is notoriously unpredictable, at least they'll have to base their judgment on Walker's 80 findings of fact, which he painstakingly laid out.
Some conservatives have openly kvetched that it was unfair to have a openly gay judge rule on the case, but none has taken the time to point out that it has been unfair for closeted lawmakers to legislate on queer issues. If a gay judge should have recused himself, what about a married straight judge, or a divorced one? What about a judge who has chosen not to marry? This case is likely going to be in front of Justice Scalia, and while he's not gay, he has one common trait with many of the pro-Prop 8 people: he's a gaping asshole.
Luckily for them, there's no one saying assholes can't marry. Newt Gingrich has has done it three times.
From here, it's on to the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. Given the reputation of the 9th, Judge Walker's carefully crafted ruling, and the complete clusterfuck that was the pro-Prop 8 team's case, its hard to imagine that the 9th Circuit won't uphold Walker's ruling, opening the door for the case to head to the Supreme Court.
While the 9th is notoriously unpredictable, at least they'll have to base their judgment on Walker's 80 findings of fact, which he painstakingly laid out.
Some conservatives have openly kvetched that it was unfair to have a openly gay judge rule on the case, but none has taken the time to point out that it has been unfair for closeted lawmakers to legislate on queer issues. If a gay judge should have recused himself, what about a married straight judge, or a divorced one? What about a judge who has chosen not to marry? This case is likely going to be in front of Justice Scalia, and while he's not gay, he has one common trait with many of the pro-Prop 8 people: he's a gaping asshole.
Luckily for them, there's no one saying assholes can't marry. Newt Gingrich has has done it three times.
8/3/10
We're Coming Back
Yes, we've been largely absent for the the last two months. Our ISP has gone from providing really spotty service to providing none at all. Things are apparently fixed, so we can start posting again.
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