I've had an idea percolating in my head for a while about the issue of abuse within the kink community, and how difficult it is to discern it and call it out. We all know that a lot of what we do consensually for fun in kink would be abuse in a non-consensual context. We also know that abusers can and do hide out in the kink community as a cover for their shady behavior, although ideally they will be recognized and called out for it. (And the truth is, abusers are potentially present in EVERY community). But there is a certain level where people are afraid of saying "your kink is not okay" (and for very valid reasons). It is sometimes hard to judge from a distance whether or not someone's kink is abusive or not, and usually not your business to judge, unless you're a dungeon monitor at a party.
I do have a few things I view as abuse that are considered controversial- beastiality for one, or feeding someone until they're so obese that they can no longer be physically independent. I don't believe that anyone who consents to play that deliberately results in broken bones or damaged organs is really psychologically sound to give consent. Yes, I get that it's their body and they can ask somebody skewer their kidney if they want to. I still maintain that it's a REALLY FUCKING BAD IDEA!
Interestingly, as I was pondering the issue of thinly veiled abuse within my own community, I ran across this article, about an allegedly non-consensual "sex slave" who was tortured and abused by her "master" within the context of the BD/SM community. Without making light of this woman's abuse, I find this kind of titillating journalism both insulting to the victim and incredibly problematic in terms of increasing kink acceptance and awareness. I really wish it was framed more as a case of abuse, rather than "kinky" abuse. Consider the not-so-different kidnapping and abuse case of Elizabeth Smart. Would anyone have considered it acceptable or respectful to use nude photos of her to illustrate reporting on her case, the way they have with the Ed Bagley case? Does the fact that Brian David Mitchell is a FLDS religious wingnut instead of an abusive dominant somehow reflect poorly on the mainstream LDS community at large? (And it's likely that as much, if not more abuse happens in religious communities than within the kink community).
If the allegations against Ed Bagley are true, then he deserves to be locked away for life. But I do have a very real problem with the implication that kinky=abuser in the context of this case. A member of my local community lost her job after becoming a leather titleholder and being outed. What's worse is people who are involved in legitimate, consensual kinky practices are targeted by the law and wind up losing not only their jobs and reputations, but have their children taken away or are committed or imprisoned under misleading charges. (To be clear, I am not implying that this is the case with Ed Bagley.)
So, abuse and kink. It's messy from the inside the community, and it's even messier from the outside looking in. So what the hell do we do about it?
Showing posts with label BD/SM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BD/SM. Show all posts
8/10/10
Fetlife is the reason I can't have nice things.
Yo, it's been a while since I've posted. Big changes around these parts, and I've been busy moving house (twice, don't ask), restructuring my relationship, sending my novel to agents, and vanilla blogging for pay. Life happens!
However, today I have rants. Yes I do.
Fetlife, for the uninitiated is like Facebook for perverts. It's facebook with no fucking superego. You think Facebook status updates are TMI? Wait until you find out that someone you once hooked up with is in the Bestiality forums looking for a Great Dane for fun times. And for all the hawt 'n sexy gonzo porn people post, there's also castration pics and various stuff that you wish you NEVER FUCKING SAW and will never get out of your mind again.
Kinky people are by nature, drama queens. Hence there is a lot of wank on Fetlife, and I try to keep my presence on there to a minimum so I don't claw my eyes out. Hence, I share with you some of my biggest fucking pet peeves:
1. Trophy pics
I used to take/distribute nude photos in my early twenties. A lot of this had to do with losing a bunch of weight, buying my first digital camera, being young and sort of naive, and living in a place where I didn't have a lot of dating options, so I got a lot of my jollies by swapping dirty pics with strangers. I've also been in several relationships with "artists" where creative nude or semi nude pics and video were taken with artistic intent- and in one case, used to try slut shame me by a mentally disturbed ex, who posted them to facebook.
Here's the thing- I am comfortable with my body, being nude, and being seen nude. I am not comfortable with third parties exploiting that for their own ends.
A lot of wannabe playboys on Fetlifes post scores of pictures of their conquests- explicit and often humiliating (and potentially life destroying, considering that Fetlife has extremely lax privacy settings) pictures of women they've fucked. If these women have given their explicit consent to post these pictures, that's they're business. I suspect, a lot of the time, they haven't, and that's just creepy and gross, and a violation.
Hence, I don't share my nude pics anymore, and I don't post nude pics to Fetlife. Not worth the risk.
2. The castigation of young male dominants
The BDSM scene has a disturbing amount in common with Fundamentalist Mormonism in a particular regard- many older male dominants feel entitled to a stable of young, nubile subs, and make a practice of alienating and humiliating younger male dominants, rather than mentoring and supporting them. It's classic jockeying for alpha male status- the younger men present a threat to their privilege, so they virtually stomp on them in forums, or spread rumors about them in the scene instead of presenting direct feedback.
The usual arguments given are that young (typically anyone under the age of 30) Doms are never experienced enough, they lack introspection, they're only looking to get laid, they don't understand the rules of the scene, yadda yadda etc. and therefore do not have the right to call themselves dominants. You know what? I've met plenty of men in their 30s, 40s and 50s who also have these problems. And for some reason, these arguments don't apply to the 18 year old subs these older dominants favor, or the young female pro-dommes who frequently trade on their youth and looks as much as their topping skills to attract clients.
One of the hands-down best Doms I've ever played with, and whom I am still friends with to this day, is only 24 years old. He was twenty one (and I was twenty seven) when we were dating. His play was hot, inventive, safe, sane, and not bogged down by a lot of protocol and bullshit. The idea that it is automatically "safer" to play with an older Dom needs to be called out for the bullshit that it is, and people should evaluate who they play with on a case-by-case basis.
3. The stigmatization of monogamy
For some reason, it seems that within the kinky and queer scenes, monogamy has fallen out of fashion. I suspect a lot of folks spent their formative years in dysfunctional monogamous relationships and have idealized polyamory beyond what is necessarily realistic. Being raised in a progressive city, I had the inverse experience of having many early dysfunctional poly experiences and coming to the conclusion that it's no longer a style that works for me. I am hardly a traditional monogamist- I have no problem with my partner viewing porn or flirting, playing publicly with a partner, or even playing with others within clearly defined boundaries after a relationship has been deeply established, but the idea of dating free-for-all and multiple emotional entanglements does not appeal to me at this point. And for that, I am told I am somehow not emotionally evolved, despite the fact that I have been through all kinds of experiences. That my desire to form a deep bond with one individual instead of hopping from honeymoon period to honeymoon period and spreading myself across several people makes me somehow jealous and possessive. I know myself well enough to understand that a monogamous relationship with a vanilla person would never in a million years wouldn't work for me, and there is something of an assumption that if you want monogamy in a kinky context, you want to be in some sort of codependent 24/7 power exchange situation. Is it possible to desire a monogamous relationship with a man, as a woman, but still be kinky and queer identified? It's amazing how narrow minded unconventional people can be.
And if I have to hear one more argument about evolutionary biology that monogamy is inherently doomed, I will cut a bitch.
4. Vultures
This is a more specific complaint about Facebook, though it has a degree of gravity on Fetlife as well.
Ok, I will say up front- I am sure there are male vultures as well, but as I am a mostly straight female, I wouldn't know. The vultures I have dealt with have been by and large young, insecure women.
The Vulture's express purpose in life is to try to sabotage your budding monogamous relationship with someone new, and to come around and scavenge your relationship carrion post-breakup. Sometimes they're your partners ex, sometimes they're a person who wasn't interested in dating your partner until competition presented itself, sometimes it's a "friend" that your partner isn't interested in dating and feels bitter as a result. It's icky and I don't know why these individuals choose to prey on other people's relationships instead of ya know, finding their own. The vulture existed prior to social networking sites, but Facebook has made their shady M.O. a whole lot easier.
Classic vulture tactics? Posting old pictures of themselves with your partner and tagging them to make it look like they have "something going on." Constant, thinly veiled "harmless" but creepy flirtatious comments left on your partner's wall. In a recent relationship I basically stopped looking at my partner's wall altogether because the vulture infestation was so bad, and he was unwilling to acknowledge why this creepy shit made me uncomfortable, dismissing it as jealousy (and to be fair, a lot of people like this attention and are unwilling to set clear boundaries). The only problem is, sometimes the exact same shit happens when you're been legitimately cheated on and lied to, and being told it's "jealousy" is a diversion tactic.
One girl in particular felt the need to personally comment on anything I wrote on my partner's wall, as if we were involved in some non-consensual facebook threeway. The vulture's goal is to plant seeds of doubt in the hopes of breaking you up. It's shitty and unethical. Would you walk up to someone in a monogamous relationship and openly hit on them in front of their partner?
Facebook is basically poison for relationships and it's entirely likely that I will choose NOT to be facebook friends with future partners for this very reason. Who needs this drama?
The moral of this story? I should spend less time on the internet.
However, today I have rants. Yes I do.
Fetlife, for the uninitiated is like Facebook for perverts. It's facebook with no fucking superego. You think Facebook status updates are TMI? Wait until you find out that someone you once hooked up with is in the Bestiality forums looking for a Great Dane for fun times. And for all the hawt 'n sexy gonzo porn people post, there's also castration pics and various stuff that you wish you NEVER FUCKING SAW and will never get out of your mind again.
Kinky people are by nature, drama queens. Hence there is a lot of wank on Fetlife, and I try to keep my presence on there to a minimum so I don't claw my eyes out. Hence, I share with you some of my biggest fucking pet peeves:
1. Trophy pics
I used to take/distribute nude photos in my early twenties. A lot of this had to do with losing a bunch of weight, buying my first digital camera, being young and sort of naive, and living in a place where I didn't have a lot of dating options, so I got a lot of my jollies by swapping dirty pics with strangers. I've also been in several relationships with "artists" where creative nude or semi nude pics and video were taken with artistic intent- and in one case, used to try slut shame me by a mentally disturbed ex, who posted them to facebook.
Here's the thing- I am comfortable with my body, being nude, and being seen nude. I am not comfortable with third parties exploiting that for their own ends.
A lot of wannabe playboys on Fetlifes post scores of pictures of their conquests- explicit and often humiliating (and potentially life destroying, considering that Fetlife has extremely lax privacy settings) pictures of women they've fucked. If these women have given their explicit consent to post these pictures, that's they're business. I suspect, a lot of the time, they haven't, and that's just creepy and gross, and a violation.
Hence, I don't share my nude pics anymore, and I don't post nude pics to Fetlife. Not worth the risk.
2. The castigation of young male dominants
The BDSM scene has a disturbing amount in common with Fundamentalist Mormonism in a particular regard- many older male dominants feel entitled to a stable of young, nubile subs, and make a practice of alienating and humiliating younger male dominants, rather than mentoring and supporting them. It's classic jockeying for alpha male status- the younger men present a threat to their privilege, so they virtually stomp on them in forums, or spread rumors about them in the scene instead of presenting direct feedback.
The usual arguments given are that young (typically anyone under the age of 30) Doms are never experienced enough, they lack introspection, they're only looking to get laid, they don't understand the rules of the scene, yadda yadda etc. and therefore do not have the right to call themselves dominants. You know what? I've met plenty of men in their 30s, 40s and 50s who also have these problems. And for some reason, these arguments don't apply to the 18 year old subs these older dominants favor, or the young female pro-dommes who frequently trade on their youth and looks as much as their topping skills to attract clients.
One of the hands-down best Doms I've ever played with, and whom I am still friends with to this day, is only 24 years old. He was twenty one (and I was twenty seven) when we were dating. His play was hot, inventive, safe, sane, and not bogged down by a lot of protocol and bullshit. The idea that it is automatically "safer" to play with an older Dom needs to be called out for the bullshit that it is, and people should evaluate who they play with on a case-by-case basis.
3. The stigmatization of monogamy
For some reason, it seems that within the kinky and queer scenes, monogamy has fallen out of fashion. I suspect a lot of folks spent their formative years in dysfunctional monogamous relationships and have idealized polyamory beyond what is necessarily realistic. Being raised in a progressive city, I had the inverse experience of having many early dysfunctional poly experiences and coming to the conclusion that it's no longer a style that works for me. I am hardly a traditional monogamist- I have no problem with my partner viewing porn or flirting, playing publicly with a partner, or even playing with others within clearly defined boundaries after a relationship has been deeply established, but the idea of dating free-for-all and multiple emotional entanglements does not appeal to me at this point. And for that, I am told I am somehow not emotionally evolved, despite the fact that I have been through all kinds of experiences. That my desire to form a deep bond with one individual instead of hopping from honeymoon period to honeymoon period and spreading myself across several people makes me somehow jealous and possessive. I know myself well enough to understand that a monogamous relationship with a vanilla person would never in a million years wouldn't work for me, and there is something of an assumption that if you want monogamy in a kinky context, you want to be in some sort of codependent 24/7 power exchange situation. Is it possible to desire a monogamous relationship with a man, as a woman, but still be kinky and queer identified? It's amazing how narrow minded unconventional people can be.
And if I have to hear one more argument about evolutionary biology that monogamy is inherently doomed, I will cut a bitch.
4. Vultures
This is a more specific complaint about Facebook, though it has a degree of gravity on Fetlife as well.
Ok, I will say up front- I am sure there are male vultures as well, but as I am a mostly straight female, I wouldn't know. The vultures I have dealt with have been by and large young, insecure women.
The Vulture's express purpose in life is to try to sabotage your budding monogamous relationship with someone new, and to come around and scavenge your relationship carrion post-breakup. Sometimes they're your partners ex, sometimes they're a person who wasn't interested in dating your partner until competition presented itself, sometimes it's a "friend" that your partner isn't interested in dating and feels bitter as a result. It's icky and I don't know why these individuals choose to prey on other people's relationships instead of ya know, finding their own. The vulture existed prior to social networking sites, but Facebook has made their shady M.O. a whole lot easier.
Classic vulture tactics? Posting old pictures of themselves with your partner and tagging them to make it look like they have "something going on." Constant, thinly veiled "harmless" but creepy flirtatious comments left on your partner's wall. In a recent relationship I basically stopped looking at my partner's wall altogether because the vulture infestation was so bad, and he was unwilling to acknowledge why this creepy shit made me uncomfortable, dismissing it as jealousy (and to be fair, a lot of people like this attention and are unwilling to set clear boundaries). The only problem is, sometimes the exact same shit happens when you're been legitimately cheated on and lied to, and being told it's "jealousy" is a diversion tactic.
One girl in particular felt the need to personally comment on anything I wrote on my partner's wall, as if we were involved in some non-consensual facebook threeway. The vulture's goal is to plant seeds of doubt in the hopes of breaking you up. It's shitty and unethical. Would you walk up to someone in a monogamous relationship and openly hit on them in front of their partner?
Facebook is basically poison for relationships and it's entirely likely that I will choose NOT to be facebook friends with future partners for this very reason. Who needs this drama?
The moral of this story? I should spend less time on the internet.
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