Day 26: 30 Day Sex Challenge and PMS

So, I've been raving about the results of our month-long sex challenge.  Talking about how awesome it is, how we've ended up sharing so much, and reconnecting not just sexually, but also emotionally.  And how much fun it’s been!  And it really has.  But for me, there has been a downside.

The thing is, I’m a woman, with a menstrual cycle.  And the combination of just having a sex challenge but also trying to conceive means I’m a lot more aware of it than I was before.  I also suffer from moderate PMS.  It’s hard to explain this to guys, because guys are terrified of PMSing women and just see it as a horrible bitchy state that assaults them randomly each month.  And any guy reacting to PMS comes across as a jerk.  So hetero guys, I feel you.  It’s got to be weird.

The reality is, PMS symptoms are both real and also differ significantly from woman to woman.  That’s why it’s offensive to assume that just because a chick is angry that she’s PMSing (among other reasons).  But it is real.  And for me, unfortunately, it’s basically a 10 day window within a month where:

a) My boobs hurt like YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.  I have B cups, they’re not huge, but it’s like walking around with goddamn painful bruises on your chest except the bruises have their own

weight and gravity and god dammit.  Sleeping is uncomfortable because shifting in bed means significant pain.  Does your lady inexplicably start wearing a bra to bed one week out of the month?  If so, she suffers from horrible PMS boob pain.

b) My interest in sex goes down to nearly zero. I’m not necessarily against having sex, but I am not masturbating or thinking about sex unless otherwise prompted (by say, a ridiculous 31-day sex challenge).  Normally during this time, we’re not having sex unless The Boy is initiating.  And while I rarely turn him down, if I do, there’s a 95% chance it’s during PMS time.

c) I become something of an insecure hot mess.  I’m actually not an angry PMSer - The Boy would disagree - but it’s not anger.  It’s like, in the same way my boobs are super sensitive during this time? So is my soul. Oh, yeah, it sounds stupid, but things that wouldn't bother me in the slightest normally create ridiculous spirals of negative self-talk during PMS.

For example: We had a great time during the first two weeks of the sex challenge, which happened to coincide with the end of my period through ovulation.  The Boy and I were having tons of fun. But things started to change a bit as the PMS happened.  The Boy didn't seem to be showing the same amount of sexual interest in me that he had previously.  He said his libido was flagging a bit due to exhaustion from a crazy work schedule, travel, and illness, but rational explanations don’t satisfy the irrational PMS mentality of insecurity and sadness that I was experiencing.  

I don’t want to let him entirely off the hook, because I did end up initiating sex and doing things that catered to his sexual preferences during a time where I had little sexual interest to begin with. That was less than ideal.  In PMS brain, I felt like I was doing all this work I didn't even want to do, but I wasn't  getting the ego gratification of him initiating and thus me feeling desired.  Rational brain should have realized that he was exhausted and not feeling great, but PMS brain won out and I got a little resentful, even if I didn't express it in the moment.  What happened is we basically both bumped up against a period where, had we not been doing the sex challenge, we wouldn't have been having sex - and that would have been OK!   Unfortunately, I also failed to communicate clearly to him that I was feeling this way, which in retrospect, was a mistake.

I don’t want to paint too negative a picture.  We still had sex every day, and on the whole I enjoyed it quite a lot!  But I do think, at least for me, that trying to have sex every day during that time is not ideal for me.The Orthodox Jewish practice of not permitting sex from the period to 7 days after the period ends seems even more ridiculous to me now - I would effectively only be sexually available for a 1/4 of the month! To wit, I got my period yesterday and we’ve had sex 3 times since then despite The Boy working long hours AND catching the shitty cold I had but way worse!  As unpleasant, physically, as periods are, when mine comes it’s like my body does this sigh of relief and all of a sudden I’m ME again, and I’m happy and horny even if I feel bloated and hate the bleeding.

It’s day 26 of our 31 day sex challenge, and also our nine year anniversary (which is the date that we first had sex, aka our second date).  I wouldn't trade the sex challenge for the world.  I feel like it’s completely reinvigorated our sex life and brought us to a way more honest and awesome level of communication.  But I also feel like I have to be honest about the challenges, and keeping up the sex during the PMS phase was not super easy for me and maybe made me a bit more emotional and weird that I normally would have been during that time frame.