A new Twitter account, @polyhorror, has been making the rounds lately and becoming pretty popular. The Boy discovered it first, and was really excited, as was I, because we really enjoy snark about polyamory. (Reading this blog, who'd a thunk it?)
This isn't actually because we're huge assholes. I mean, we're kind of assholes, granted, but we're actually not that mean, just critical, and we believe that there's a difference. Internet polyamorous culture, however, is not self-critical. It espouses that polyamory is better than other relationship structures implicitly, while claiming that they don't preach that. (Don't believe me? Check out any thread in any poly forum where a person is having an issue that revolves entirely around not being well suited for poly. Then count how many responses suggest that maybe the OP just isn't cut out for poly. Oh, are those crickets I hear?) They proselytize about the awesome parts of poly, and rarely caution about the negative aspects of loving more than one person at a time. And they have zero sense of humor about themselves. (Again, you aren't a believer? Check out the reaction we got to our tongue-in-cheek article about "6 Polys You Don't Want To Date". Nearly everyone responded to a clearly satirical article as if it was giving serious advice.)
So given the high-horse attitude of poly culture, in that context, we were excited about a Twitter account that was set up to poke some fun at poly sacred cows. Problem is, it doesn't. It just reinforces tropes that mainstream poly culture has been trying to instill as what poly REALLY is. It lists examples - supposedly either direct quotes or "paraphrases" from poly practitioners that are so awful that they are examples of Polyamory Horror Stories. And to be fair, some of the examples clearly are. To wit:
"I'm looking for a heterosexual woman. I don't want a bisexual girlfriend, because my wife isn't bi."
"Science says monogamy is unnatural. That means monogamous people are brainwashed."
""How can I find out if one of my partners is open to polyamory? I can't ask her directly."
But the vast majority of tweets are "horrific" because they involve couples who have specific ideas or boundaries around what kind of poly relationships they wish to engage in. The horror! Just a sample of MANY tweets on this topic:
"Being allowed to have others makes our main relationship better."
"We are allowed to have secondaries as long as we don't tell them we love them."
"We're trying polyamory. If it doesn't work for us, we'll break up with our secondaries and go back to monogamy."
About two-thirds of the posts on @polyhorror are examples of couples actually behaving badly, or couples behaving in a way that doesn't put a secondary first, which apparently is an example of couples behaving badly, too. And that's my problem with @polyhorror. They're not just a funny twitter account which recounts the crazy and bad that happens in all aspects of poly relationships. It exists to shame couples who have rules and boundaries that might upset a secondary.
@polyhorror operates under a rubric where an agreement between couples that you can have some extra on the side, but discourages romantic attachments with others is a horror show. It doesn't matter if everyone involved is totally fine with that agreement - it's not OK! To be fair, calling that kind of situation "poly" may not be accurate but that's an issue of semantics, not a relationship horror story.
And what is wrong with saying that having others on the side makes the main relationship better? God forbid a relationship with a secondary make the primary relationship more enjoyable! We're here to all be equal, dammit! I wasn't aware that the people who are on the side have no agency within the relationship and are being forced into slave-like labor to support the couples' relationship.
And of course, if you open your relationship and it doesn't work for you, TOO BAD. You aren't allowed to break up with secondaries for any reason. That is couple privilege. You must date your secondaries forever, even if you realize that poly isn't for you.
Of course, like all people who genuinely believe in bullshit concepts like "couple privilege" and "secondary oppression" and whatnot, secondaries and tertiaries and fuckbuddies and etc have no agency. Devious, evil couples force them into relationships where their needs won't be met, and they have no way to stand up for themselves or leave the relationship if it's not working for them. Instead they devote all their energy into the relationship until their evil metamour and cowardly partner unceremoniously dump them, which is a prime example of couple privilege!
This whole narrative is a bunch of bullshit. It would be one thing if @polyhorror also criticized things from the crazy secondary point of view - you know the type of secondary who gets upset when her boyfriend's wife has cancer and thus doesn't have time to take her to dinner 3 nights a week - but so far, that hasn't happened.
I think they inadvertently address their one-true-wayism with this tweet:
People who give poly advice are just a bunch of elitists trying to make everyone the same as they are.
Well, when the shoe fits...
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