More Savage Assholery on Bisexuality

We've chronicled extensively former advice-columnist-turned-one-man-media-machine Dan Savage's assholery, particularly on the subject of bisexuality (see tags). Or rather male bisexuality, since Dan generally doesn't seem to have an issue with the bi ladies, aside from their general flakiness and habit for breaking the heart of lesbians.


Dan's former issue with bisexual men could be generally summed up as: they don't exist.  They are either gay and in denial, as he was when he briefly identified as bi (and how shocking that a self-absorbed jerk like Dan would take the tiny realm of his personal experience and project it onto something as complex and varied as male sexual orientation) or they're basically straight, because bi men end up in relationships with women.


He's whistling a slightly different tune now, blissfully unaware that this new technology known as "the Internet" has recorded years of him denying the existence of bisexual men, but he's now insisting that the problems bisexual men face aren't entrenched societal homophobia and biphobia but their own cowardice because bi men just won't come out.


Now he's probably right in that it's likely that the majority of bisexual people are likely to marry or have long-lasting relationships with opposite-sex partners.  Part of it just a numbers game.  There are vastly more people interested in the opposite-sex than the same.  There's also the trope that bi people are only into same-sex people for casual flings, but want to settle down in a more traditional manner.  It's a bit of a stereotype, but it does seem that to many bisexual people are sexually attracted to the same sex but not particularly interested in more.   That doesn't mean they're "not really bi" or that "bi people don't exist" - it just means that bisexuality/pansexuality is really an umbrella term that covers a huge range of sexual and romantic orientation styles.  And the fact that we live in a virulently homophobic society with huge social pressures to conform, well, it's not surprising that if you are romantically and sexually attracted to the opposite sex that your life might end up taking the path of least resistance.  This doesn't make a bisexual identity invalid.


And I think with that I might be hitting on one of the main issues I see in gay resistance to, or disdain of bisexuals.  In this lovely little piece, Dan claims he never said bi men don't exist (he just implied it over and for years and years) he opines that bisexual men need to stop whining and come out of the closet already.  I agree about the closet.  All it takes is a little life experience (or a brief glance at the Craigslist M4M section) to realize that clearly a decent chunk of the straight-identified male populace has significant bisexual desire.  But man, it's fucking irritating for Dan Savage, of all people, to be wagging his finger at the craven bisexual men for not coming out yet, when it was exactly attitudes like the ones he's espoused for years that make the option of coming out for bisexual men not a particularly attractive one.


I mean, what does a bisexual guy stand to gain from coming out?  The vast majority of women - even bisexual women - don't want to date a bi guy, the fear being that he's actually gay and in denial.  A viewpoint that Dan still proudly champions, by the way.  According to the bi men I've talked to, gay men aren't too thrilled to date them either, because it's assumed the bi guy is just lookin' for some cock and will end up breaking their heart for a woman.  Well, at least there's the well-established, supportive community for bisexual men...wait.  Nope.  If your friends or family are homophobic, well, you're not "less queer" in their eyes because you like pussy, but there's a decent chance you're seen that way by plenty of your gay brothers.


Now as Dan rightfully points out, if coming out was easy no one - gay, lesbian, or bi - would be in the closet. Yet he totally misses the fact that in addition to serious risks and repercussions, coming out as gay or lesbian does provide a couple of worthwhile benefits - a dating pool and a chance at the kind of relationship you want being a pretty big one! - that is a lot harder to access in the closet.  Bisexual men actually lose the majority of their potential partners when coming out specifically as bi (as opposed to identifying as gay for the sake of dating men, or letting yourself be assumed hetero when dating women).  


This is not to say at all that bisexual men are more oppressed than gay men, or that gay men are capable of oppressing bisexual men by not wanting to date them or not giving them a big ol' "Welcome to the queer club!" hug when they come out.  Gay people, if they want to be partnered and live a "normal" life with a picture of the spouse on the cubicle desk have to come out to achieve that.  Bisexual people don't, necessarily (although let's not forget the largely invisible population of bisexuals in same-sex partnerships that everyone assumes are gay).  So to people like Dan, bisexual men don't have it as tough as gay men do.  And it's true that many bisexual people do possess what people in the sociology world refer to as "passing privilege" or what the social justice set calls "invisibility".  But it's both a perk and a curse.  Sure, you're far less likely to be beat up by a homophobe when you've got a wedding ring and a picture of your wife in your wallet.  That is a powerful privilege that some bisexual people possess.  


But there's a downside: lack of community, isolation, no support network, the feeling that you're projecting a lie - even if you're out - because unless you're walking around with a bi pride button on, opposite-sex-partnered bisexuals will be assumed to be straight.  Opposite-sex-partnered bisexuals do not get to out themselves by placing aforementioned picture of partner on cubicle desk, or walking hand-in-hand with their partner down the street.  They generally will have to specifically raise the issue, because they are assumed straight.  Or maybe Dan just thinks they should wear the buttons?  Maybe a cloth badge of some sort.  After all, they "owe it" to themselves, as Dan suggests, to awkwardly bring up their sexual orientation when no one has asked the question.  Imagine those water cooler discussions:


"What did you do this weekend, Bob?"
"You know, the usual.  Watched the game, went on a hike with the wife.  And just so you know, Jen's great, but I happen to be bisexual."
"...." 


Obviously there are times when a bisexual person can out themselves in a more relevant manner, such as when a co-worker makes a homophobic remark or what have you. But generally, outing yourself as a bi person in a opposite-sex relationship does not function in the same way it would if you were gay.  


Dan also lives in some crazy bizzaro world - perhaps a function of his advanced age, since he was a teenager in the '70s and I'm told male bisexuality was "cool" then - where gay men identify as bi "because it makes them feel superior and/or more masculine".  To be fair, I'm not a gay man, so maybe some gay men do think bisexual guys are more butch, i'm skeptical, but willing to entertain the notion.  I can tell you in the straight world, bisexual guy = gay guy, but creepier, and certainly not more masculine.  A lot of straights who have no problem with gay dudes have a visceral disgust and hatred of bi guys, because they're the insidious, treacherous disease spreaders, and their orientation makes no sense. It's so common for a sort of liberal-ish straight dude proclaim their sympathy for gay men, with the understanding, "Well bro, I mean, I love pussy, but I was born straight.  If I was born gay then I'd like cock as much as I like pussy now, so gay, yeah, I totally get it."  Bi men don't fit into this picture, because what kind of sick fuck would go for cock when he totally likes pussy, too?  Even as our society becomes more accepting of homosexality - as long as you're just born that way - attitudes about sexual flexibility remain retrograde and threatening.  Unless you're a chick, because that's hot.


So bi guys - geez, why won't you just come out already?* 


On a related personal note, my brother visited me this summer.  After too many beers, he came out to me as bisexual.  And this is one of the many reasons my hatred for Savage on this issue is not just snark.  My bro is an introverted, slightly awkward 25 year-old who hasn't exactly had a lot of relationship experience with any gender.  He trends towards the gayer side of the Kinsey scale. He knows I'm queerish.  He knows my husband is a bisexual man.  And yet it still took him this long to come out to me, someone he knew would be supportive.  He said he has no intention of coming out to anyone but his closest friends because all he hears from the straight and gay world alike is hostility towards people like him.  Good job, Dan.  Making life easier for queer youth, all the time.  I'd love to have him look my brother in the eye and tell him how he's making things better for him.


*I do think that bisexual men should come out when it is safe for them to do so.  I just think Dan saying it is a real dick move.