Why Don't We Talk About The Sex We're Going to Have?

Most people are really bad about talking about sex. While I can't say this definitively, I have had enough sex partners to know that this lack of communication is far too common. I've spent five hours sitting on the couch with a person who I'd agreed to meet explicitly for the purpose of casual sex, all while struggling to bring up sex and instead being talked to about food and movies. When it comes down to the act of fucking, I want to know more how one feels about rimming than the works of Quentin Tarantino. Why give attention to the wrong asshole?

A while back, I met a couple through an online hookup site. They seemed nice. We talked at length in e-mails about what we were into. One was a top, one was a bottom, and both wanted to get into a wild nasty threesome. I was stoked. When I arrived at their house, I was given a tour of their art collection and then spent an hour in the kitchen talking about politics, art, and interior design. Both got coy when I brought up the topic of sex, so I stopped trying. Once the hour had passed, one finally asked if I wanted to go “play”. I have to admit, that put me off. I wasn't there to play. I wanted to fuck. I was there for sex, which I view as more than just play. Play is “Monopoly”. Play doesn't require an hour of awkwardly standing in a kitchen talking about the merits of mid-century modern light fixtures.

What resulted was blah at best. One person laid on the bed and stroked himself while staring at the ceiling while the other kept tweaking my nipples and telling me how nice my genitals looked. I finally asked the nipple-tweaking self-professed bottom if he'd like to bend over, he told me that I looked hot and went back to tweaking my nipples. Yes, I finally got off, but it wasn't really hot. It certainly wasn't what we'd talked about for the previous week. In a follow up e-mail, the bottom told me he really wished we had done more and would like to do that in the future. He said it would be “hot”. No, hot would be having sex that includes what we want, not the drabness that we had.

The best sex I've ever had has been with my current partner. We talk about sex. We use dirty words and tell each other about naughty fantasies and the most amazing thing is that we act on those fantasies because we put them out there and made each other aware of them. We've delved into our deepest, most fucked up fantasies and come up with really great bed-rocking sex. It works because we open ourselves up about the sex we want to have.

How can we expect to be good lovers if we never seek out what our partners want? We've come to believe that sex exists apart from the rest of our interactions. We talk to get people into bed, but once they're there we expect it be like it is in movies. It's supposed to be organic. Our partner's body moves with ours, his or her response is tremendous and the other person responds to your actions as if they are doing what the person has most longed for.

That's not realistic. One would never walk into a restaurant and expect the waiter to bring exactly the right dishes and beverages that would make the meal we dream of without ever placing an order. How can we treat sex like it's psychic help? We have to engage our partners, even if it's just a one-night hookup. Critical to decent sex is that we understand what the other person wants. It's why sex improves in relationships. We slowly learn what the other person wants. Is it so unreasonable to just ask?

Beyond asking, can't we just talk about it beforehand? I think this is born out of of lack of respect for fucking. It's something we should talk about. We can want it. Even when it's the reason for us getting together, we still treat it as being unfit for discussion. Sex is primary. It is crucial. In a society suffering a the tyranny of acceptable mediocre sex, we have to take the revolutionary stand that we're going to talk our way into sex, not just into bed.