Poly Weekly Podcast: You're Why Mommy and Daddy Yell

The Girl and I have been discussing polyamory and listening to the Polyamory Weekly podcast. We usually listen, but a recent road trip has given us time to catch up on episodes and complain to each other about it. This show has been on for several years and has improved a bit over the years, but it is still able to send us into apoplectic fits.

We've been listening for about 2+ years and have gone through much of the archives.  In that time, we've laughed, groaned, shaken my head, and hit the skip button so often and frantically I've started to wonder if it's all a Skinner box experiment and we're the hungry rodents.

First off, I'm so thankful she's now got co-hosts, especially Pepomint, who has to be the most genuinely clued in to what she claims the podcast is supposed to be about.  I love his insights on relationships and queer issues, even if his most recent appearance drove us to fits on a recent drive up the interstate.

That said, I really don't think the show is particularly pansexual, despite the show's subtitle that it's from a "pansexual, kink-friendly point of view."  The host describes herself as boobie-sexual. Boobie-sexual?  That's not a sexuality, but a fetishization of a body part vis a vis cock-obsessed men.  It strikes me as an queer-appropriative bid to get attention.  We did get exactly one transgendered-themed episode, but that didn't bring much except for the host's clumsy ignorance regarding trans issues while interviewing a trans man.

CunningMinx tells us so often that it's not all about the sex and that it is all about communication.  That wouldn't bother me if it was acknowledged that it is about the sex at times.  Instead she sometimes comes across as even sex-averse.  There was a regrettable group sex episode in which the participants sat around giggling over how very naughty a tame-sounding group sex session at a convention was.  This is the new sex-positive media? There are SAT questions with more sexual content.  Where was the frank discussion about the dynamics and difficulties of group sex?  The host's contributions struck me as a bit sex-phobic and derailing.

On PolyWeekly, we're beaten over the head with the message that it isn't all about the sex. Hell, that's even the show's tagline. Unfortunately, it's really never about the sex. It's about kink, drama, and cuddles, most often. The drama could at least make for interesting listening, but it's usually glossed over with platitudes about how everything can be fixed with communication. The sex-negativity is also on display in the “Happy Poly Moments” segment of the show. These stories feature poly-identified people sharing pasta with a partner and a third and cuddling on the sofa to watch Stargate following a particularly grueling convention in which they went as the a hairy Scotsman, Chun Li, and a sexy Chewbacca. That's it. The moral of the story is that they can all appreciate each other's company in a cutesy, non-threatening, completely neutered way. At least talk about the Wookie sex.

Without sex and sexuality, we're dished up talk about poly in the media and discussion of cons and cuddling.  The discussions of articles about poly fall into two categories: Yay, they get poly, and boo, they don't get poly.  There's rarely serious contextualization or examination.  That part has gotten a bit better, especially with the addition of guests to discuss the articles.

Kink is one area where extra attention is paid, due in no small part to the fact that the host considers herself kinky. The host and cohorts have talked about BDSM and role play a bit, but kink is often brought up in the generic sense of a word that is already too generic. It comes across that kink and poly are inextricably tied together. That all ties back into the one-true-wayism that the Girl referenced earlier. What about the bigger issues of people engaging in poly to explore kinks their primary partner isn't into, or kinks engaged with one partner that trouble another one? Kink covers a lot of ground and that is rarely glimpsed on the show.

As top dog of poly podcasts, it fills an ambassadorial role for people wondering about it and that's where it fails the hardest. It doesn't have to be a 24/7 sales pitch, but it should try to give reasons why one would actually want to be polyamorous. Sure, we're often told that jealousy isn't a problem, but not how it is really overcome (spoiler alert: it's not). It's often presented as a sci-fi convention-haunting kink geek, pansexual domain. This guarantees that it will stay a fringe element.

Finally, we're constantly driven to fits by the fact that non-monogamy, especially, polyamory, can get messy and difficult, but the show often glosses over that. Some relationships won't survive it. Many will come close to collapse. The show approach is that poly problems are all fixable with communication and a disturbingly Randian approach that what you want is alright as long as you want it. New Relationship Energy (NRE) is the hormone-driven state of euphoria felt early in a relationship. That enthusiasm for the new and tendency to ignore the primary relationship is a minefield, but rarely is there a word of caution to the people experiencing it. Instead the put-out partner is told to deal with it and accept that NRE happens, even while acknowledging that the behaviors exhibited are often selfish and cruel.

Given all my issues with the show, one may wonder why I listen.  First, there's not much out there on the topic.  Second, it does entertain me and my partner, if only so we can sit around afterward and discuss.  That makes the train wreck moments that much more enjoyable.  Kind of like watching Mystery Science Theater.  We play PW Bingo, and try to see who can first check off the boxes labeled, "ooh, boobies", "Heinlein", "naked", "it's all about communication", "and that's the great thing about poly", etc.

I also enjoy hearing the other voices of the poly community.  While I don't think much of Ravenheart Oberon Zell, the show playing his lecture was immensely entertaining.  The guests often do a good job of adding to the discourse and I appreciate their opinions, even when I don't always agree with them.