Non-Monogamy Seduction Fail

So I was talking to a single friend today about fuck-buddies, swingers, awkward situations, and what we did over the weekend. Coffee talk.

For the record, she knows nothing of Girl's and my open relationship. She knows some of my co-workers socially and there are somethings I refuse to be forced to discuss around the water cooler.

She talked the previous night's get together at her house with several couples she'd known for a while. As the night wore on, the the alcohol ran low, all but one of the couples left. The last couple proved to be the hardest one to deal with.

As she knew, or quickly learned, they had an open relationship. She also became aware that the wife had another guy on the side and that the husband was only allowed to play while the wife was present. With that on the table, the husband started making not so subtle come-ons. He had done this before without the wife around, and always been rebuffed by the friend, but this time, emboldened by wine and the presence of his wife, he kept pressing the issue, going so far as to repeatedly suggest they go off to the bedroom together.

It's not clear from the way it was relayed to me exactly what the wife was to do in the meantime. Sit on the sofa and channel surf? Put an ear to the door? Slip in and join them in some scenario from a third-rate porn video?

She declined, again and again, but it being her house, she had no retreat and even desperate looks to the wife weren't getting any response. No, she had to wait until the pursuer was too tired of the chase and finally retreated to the car with his wife.

The point of this story is that as there are good ways to make advances, so too are there awful ways that will definitely get you 86'ed from future guest lists. Not taking no for an answer was definitely the start, but putting the other person in an incredibly awkward situation in which they are cornered and have no idea how to proceed was the nail in the coffin. For anyone who wants to avoid being talked about the next day as "that creepy couple", it's something to consider.

More dealbreakers

So, a day or two after I posted about online dating dealbreakers, I found out about this book/TV show: "Undateable: 311Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex." Unsurprisingly the book was written by a lady who lives in Chicago (who should know that dudes in Chicago commit these offenses all the time and get laid anyway), but the TV show relies heavily on the opinions of cast members of Jersey Shore and Real Housewives, so I'd advise on taking it with a grain of salt.

What kind of amazed me though, is how many of the "undateable" qualities my WORST BOYFRIEND EVAR exhibited, down to the crocs, man boobs, bad facial hair, squalid apartment, and cat ownership (this isn't actually a dealbreaker for me, I'll get to that in a second). Let this be a lesson to the ladies- never date a man for his "mind" alone- there is no need to be altruistic with your pussy. There are plenty of hot smart guys, there's no need to settle for a gross one. At least that way you won't hate yourself when/if it ends in a text message breakup (it did, and I wanted my money back).

Back to the cat ownership- so not a deal breaker- I would totally date the guy on the bottom left hand corner of the book cover, and the cute boys with cats tumblr is basically the BEST THING EVER. What is a dealbreaker is when you date a dude (like WBE) who doesn't clean the catbox until the entire apartment stinks to high hell. Not ok.

Anyway, I think straight women can get around most of these by dating straight or bi men who look/dress/act like gay men. That's been my M.O. and it hasn't failed me yet.

Online dating dealbreakers

I don't necessarily believe that it's safer to date people you meet in person as opposed to the internet. Some of the biggest crazies I've dated I've met in person. If anything, the internet allows you to screen people a little more thoroughly ahead of time and opt out faster.

One of my challenges in being in an open relationship is there just aren't that many people I consider dateable or even fuckable. Especially from the online pool. Join me as I share tales of some of my favorite online dating dealbreakers- in these cases I had actually been considering going out with the person until these things happened. Most of these are from OKCupid unless indicated otherwise.

-Aging hipster dude: "I don't expect you to fuck me on the first date, but I expect you to wear nail polish, eyeliner, lipstick and the dress from your profile photo." Actually no, you're not my personal stylist. He also claimed there were "no datable women" in the entire Detroit Metropolitan area, which makes me wonder what he's doing wrong.

-23 year old college student, claimed to be bisexual and kinky. I sent him a text message mentioning I was going to a play party, he replied he "wasn't comfortable with that sort of thing," and then admitted he had virtually no experience with kink, and "is that a dealbreaker?" Yes it is, son. Honesty is the best policy.

-Short Latino Dom off of Craigslist (this was a few years ago). We had a perfectly nice pg rated phone conversation, and the night before our first planned date, he sends me a text out of the blue asking if I like buttplugs. I reply that I feel like it's a bit soon to be discussing this, since I haven't met him yet. "Wrong answer," he replies, and never speaks to me again.

-Bearded poly dude can't stop gushing about how great I am and how much he likes me when he hasn't met me yet and we've barely chatted. I tell him that maybe he should reserve judgment until he's actually met me. (Everytime a guy decides they're "crazy about me" before meeting me, they're generally bad news). He asks me if I have a "self esteem problem" and says I shouldn't be so "emotionally guarded" about showing my deepest feelings to strangers on the internet, because "what's the risk?" Big red sirens going off. BUH BYE!

-Cute, interesting-seeming scholarly punk dude, seemed ok over email, but kept sending me "wacky" nonsensical text messages that I guess he thought were clever but were actually just incredibly annoying, and making up weird nicknames for me. I actually bumped in him by accident at an event and got the BIG CRAZY vibe.

-Super hot bisexual musician guy, sent me naked photos. Found out from a friend that she'd gone on a date with him, he'd insisted on trying on her clothes (without her permission), told her to spank him, then left, never to talk to her again. Never went on a date with him, but one time he spotted me through the window of a store where I worked and asked me if they were hiring.

-Hot, emotionally damaged yet witty underachiever with excellent taste in music. Began bombarding me with tales of his bedbug problem, sexual addiction, and existential misery via gchat on a constant basis, sight unseen. Ok, I actually did hang out with him (and fuck him) after 2 months without sex following a shitty breakup. Probably more trouble than he was worth, but the rebound sex was good, and it got me over my ex. Was deeply confused by his assertions that we were more than fuckbuddies, we were "good friends!" when I decided to stop hooking up with him.

I am continually impressed by how inept people are at crafting online dating profiles and facilitating communication. For example, I recently spotted the profile of a dude I thought was reasonably hot and shared a lot of my more obscure interests, but he kept asserted "this is an act of revenge!" over and over again in his profile, and alluded to a bad break-up. In that case, you're not ready to date- online dating should not be treated as an "act of revenge," though I suspect a lot of people don't understand that.

Maybe next time I'll talk about the worst first dates I've lived through.