More Than Two Equals Less Than Null

One of the - if not the most popular and frequently-referenced polyamorous how-to sites on the web is MoreThanTwo, which is largely written by Franklin Veaux, aka Tacit.  Even though Veaux has been a staple in the online poly world for more than a decade, he's only gained in popularity in 2013, due to a well-publicized Kickstarter campaign for his recent book, also called More Than Two, which he is co-writing with Eve Rickert, one of his girlfriends.

Every time I see someone recommending Veaux's advice to a formerly monogamous couple who are in the beginning stages of opening up their relationship, my blood pressure increases.  I'm going to be totally honest here: I think Veaux, while obviously very intelligent, gives advice that is downright destructive to established couples.  He is nearly single-handedly responsible for creating a huge amount of the New Poly Dogma that says that polyamory/open relationships must be conducted a certain way to be correct.

For starters, there can be no hierarchies.  Ever.  An established couple new to polyamory cannot put rules or guidelines or even boundaries on their behavior, because that is inherently unfair to anyone that they might date.  It doesn't matter if the people they are dating is OK with those boundaries -  if it's not what he calls an "egalitarian relationship structure" - i.e. the person you've been seeing for a week is equal with regards to decision making as your wife of 10 years - then it's not OK.

In New Poly Dogma, it's OK to have boundaries, but not rules.  The difference between "boundaries" and "rules" is just a silly semantic game, but it's one that fans of the no-rules approach use to sound reasonable, even when they're not.

Many of the basic articles on MoreThanTwo sound more accepting of more varied types of polyamory and rules than Veaux's acutal opinions.  Recently he said:

"People in their 30s and above who are coming into polyamory because they've seen it on TV or heard about it from talk radio, but whose experience is only with monogamy, are "second wave" poly. They're largely all about hierarchy and rules; a lot of these folks I see come to poly from a place of deep fear and suspicion; they like the idea of having multiple partners, but only if it's not uncomfortable or threatening."

Of course, this is pretty offensive but very representative of Veaux's mindset.  Couples who establish boundaries - or god forbid, rules! - are operating from a place of deep fear and suspicion.  It's not because they are working through at their own pace their own fears and jealousies, or are simply not down with the current poly zeitgiest about "impermanence" - aka, why bother working at a commitment you made?  Relationships end all the time and that's fine!

It is true that relationships DO end all the time, and that's mostly fine if partners are unhappy. But there are those of us who have spent years, or decades, building a relationship that is deeply meaningful to us with someone that we really want to be with.  And we want to preserve that if it's healthy and reasonable to do so.  And we recognize that some aspects of opening up - like NRE - can create situations that, without lots of communication and boundaries in place - can fuck up an otherwise great situation.  If someone told you that you should drive on the wrong side of the road because driving rules are for the fearful and insecure, you might point out that doing so endangers your life, your car and the lives of others.  But fear not, lives end all the time and cars break down.  Embrace the entropy.

Realistically, that's a ludicrous stance to take.  Risking things you value because it's more fun to run without rules is not the way sane adults go through life.  It's a view so ludicrous it could only be embraced in poly, a sphere that has become a dumping ground for rotten ideas about interpersonal relationships and the crackpots who espouse them.

Nobody wants that.  Except maybe Franklin Veaux.