The Elephant In The Poly Room

We here at Sex or Television generally don't advocate for or against any particular relationship style or dynamic.  I'm of the view that, on the whole, the human condition when it comes to sex and relationships is inherently contradictory.  Most people are prone to sexual and romantic jealously, and there's a lot of reasons to believe that this trait is at least partially a biological one.  And yet, lifelong sexual monogamy is unrealistic or unfufilling for most people as well.  Relationship structures attempt to deal with this seemingly irreconcilable issue in different ways, much like economic structures such as capitalism or communism attempt to deal with the need for competition and wealth growth versus morality and concern for others.

What that boring paragraph is attempting to say is that even though we pick on polyamory here quite a bit, we're not necessarily against polyamory.  It's a relationship structure that addresses some human needs quite well.  The problem is, it also tends to downplay or outright ignore other common aspects of psychology.  And there's one big one that I haven't seen addressed in a poly forum for years.

The reality is, most poly people become poly while already in an existing relationship, often one that is highly valued by at least one of the people in that relationship.  There aren't a whole lot of single people who decide they're poly and start dating in accordance with their newfound identity.  (If this was true, poly drama would be reduced by approximately 8567%.)

The problem is, there is inherently less motivation to work on existing issues in an existing - dare we say, primary - relationship when there's another newer, easier relationship on the sidelines.  When you mix in the fact that partner A is most assuredly crying on partner C's shoulder about the problems they have with partner B - A & B's relationship is kinda fucked.

I'm sure you've heard it before from people who ended up breaking up with their long-time partner or spouse after trying poly.  "Poly didn't cause the problems, but they forced the issues we had into the forefront..."  I'm not sure I buy this rationalization.  All long-term relationships have "issues", long-standing resentments, points of contention, etc.  And I certainly believe that attempting polyamory while in an LTR can bring those issues to the surface, but let's look at the reasons why:

NRE.  Regular readers of this blog know we're not fans of NRE, at least, no in terms of how it affects existing relationships.  It takes a really mature, grounded person with a good sense of boundaries and oodles of self-control to not neglect or endanger an existing relationship when experiencing NRE with a new person. If you're experiencing NRE with a new partner, it's not exactly surprising that what seemed like a normal, acceptable level of ongoing relationship issues, communication frustrations, annoyances, and whatnot with your existing partner will suddenly seem far more dire in comparison to the shiny, new, "easy" relationship you have, due to the googly-eyed googles that NRE provides.  The reality is, eventually NRE wears off and you're left with a normal relationship with normal problems, but in the meantime, did you manage to tank your previous relationship?  And are you going to ruin another for greener pastures?

The second issue is what I call the "lifeboat" phenomenon.  It's far easier to exit an existing relationship when you already have another relationship lined up.  We've all probably known a serial monogamist who would cheat to end a relationship they wanted out of, but would never break up without someone else lined up.  This is really unhealthy, but given the structure of polyamory, it's nearly unavoidable.  It's true that an unhealthy or toxic relationship should end, but in theory, a person should be able to come to that conclusion without having the waiting, comforting arms of another to run into.  If a relationship is bad, it should be ended because it's worse than being alone, not because it's less appealing than the next relationship over.

The dilemma, as I see it, is there's no good "solution" to this problem of how polyamory doesn't give a good incentive for someone to work on a difficult existing relationship.  You can't escape NRE in polyamory - the whole point is to fall in love with multiple people, and NRE is the main mechanism by which most people fall in love.  There's no good way to avoid lifeboating either - to tell a secondary that you have to stop seeing them while you work on fixing your existing relationship is considered an extension of "couple privilege" in today's poly landscape.  And it IS unfair to ask a secondary to be put on hold before you can maybe continue your relationship.

There's also the fact that humans bond over shared crises.  If you're a poly guy and your crisis happens to be your increasingly difficult marriage, and your primary emotional support is the girlfriend you're in love with, you will both bond over that shared experience, which will further alienate you from your spouse, as you're creating a "her versus us" dynamic between the three of you.  Years ago, I did see some polyamorous people attempt to head off this issue by having a rule about not discussing relationship problems with other partners, but this seems unrealistic.  If you're in love with and emotionally intimate with someone, how can you not share your feelings, fears, and hopes about every aspect of your life with them?  It's one of those "great on paper, bad in reality" attempts to fix this basic problem.

The fact is, I could do a million posts on the problems and issues inherent in socially-sanctioned monogamy, but let's face it, typical poly bloggers are doing that all the time.  I'm more interested in having the tough conversations about the pitfalls and problems inherent to alternative relationship structures, instead of pretending that they're a panacea to the normal way of doing things.  What do you think?