A Sexless Sextet of Awful Polys to Avoid ( possibly or date if on Reddit)

This post was co-authored by The Girl.  

We've spent years in the wild, observing polys in their natural habitat, AKA the Internet, and have broken them down into easily identifiable types.  The reader is cautioned against approaching them in their habitats, unless you are in desperate need of drama and rationalizations of bad behavior.

These are clearly unfair and unflattering stereotypes.  If you're offended because you recognize yourself in one (or more of them), reconsider your life choices.  And your basic personality.  And possibly your grooming habits.  You're welcome.

Type: How is this poly if I'm not getting laid?
You've seen this guy.  For six months, he told her how great poly would be.  He bought "Opening Up" and "Stranger In A Strange Land" and left them by the Xbox for his wife to find.  He was sure he was months away from hot geek-girl sex.  Maybe group sex with cosplayers. But instead his wife is having a ton of fun with her three new boyfriends, while he posts about his resentment online.
Habitat: Game Stop, tearful threads on Reddit, Intersection of Smalltown, USA and Misogyny, staring at an empty OkCupid Inbox
Mating Call: "Polyamorous females just don't get how hard it is to be a guy in poly!"

Type: Pagans aka utilikilts meet wolf shirts

These aren't the polys you'll meet

Nothing objectively wrong with them as long as you have no sense of smell, and don't value social skills.
Habitat: Burning Man, Renn Faire, DragonCon
Mating Call: "Let's all cuddle and watch Firefly."

Type: Ms. Live-in-Moment/Mr. Impermanence
This one will walk out on you after returning from a night of drinking with a friend suspiciously referred to as a new partner despite just meeting.  When the going gets tough, they're fuckin' out of there.  Doesn't believe in hierarchies.  May leave you with their cat.
Habitat: San Francisco, Buddhist retreats, Esalen, your sofa for the weekend
Mating Call: "I just don't feel capable of meeting your emotional needs right now."

Type: Monogamists, aka "You're all trapped in here with me!"
Otherwise known as that person crying by the coffee maker at tonight's munch.  Known for excessive use of veto power and frequent threats of divorce.
Habitat: Alone, at home, again.
Mating Call: "Anyone have some tips for getting over crippling, obsessive jealousy?"

These are the polys you'll meet.  Your move.

Type: Closet Asexuals aka "Yay!  Group cuddle!!"
One of the benefits of Poly is that it allows you to have more a sexual connection with multiple people.  Because of this, it attracts people who are just a tiny bit scarred by their conservative Christian upbringing.  Enjoys finding subtle ways to slut shame swingers, people in open relationships, and everyone who doesn't meet their poly standards of pure love.
Habitat: Utah, Texas, Bible Belt
Mating Call: "Polyamory is about love, not sex, you know!"

Type: Polybloggers and Podcasters, aka "What were we talking about?"
Wish someone would put all your relationship turmoil out there for others to see?  Wish someone would be willing to make an example of you publicly?  If so, we have a hot date for you!
Habitat: Twitter, obsessively checking iTunes ranking, conferences, blocking you from getting off the bus while they refresh their smartphone screens.
Mating Call: "Hey listeners, this week we're going to talk about pitfalls of dating Jared."